THE GABBLER

Author Archive

Monday, October 28th, 2013

Merk Lurker

MERK LURKER: ( mɛrk lɜrkɜr) A nickname coined by President Obama back in 2010 for NSA members whose jobs are to listen in on German Chancellor Angela Merkel’s phone calls. “What’s the Merk Lurker got for me today? That spaetzle recipe she gave to Cameron last week was delish!”

Thursday, October 24th, 2013

How To Not Get Raped

After writing the article “College Women, Stop Getting Drunk” in Slate last week about why women should stop drinking alcohol at parties to better avoid those darn rapists, Emily Yoffe has faced a bit of criticism. But...

Wednesday, October 16th, 2013

Move Over, “Breaking Bad”: Anthony Hopkins Writes The Gabbler a Fan Letter, Too!

  After its series finale last week, the critically acclaimed television program “Breaking Bad” got a pretty cool fan letter – from none other than Oscar-winning actor, Sir Anthony Hopkins. But it turns out that “Breaking Bad”...

Monday, October 7th, 2013

The State of the Union, According to Joe Six-Pack

In a period of government shutdown, when the political parties couldn’t be more polarized, we at The Gabbler turned to the one man who could speak for the average American citizen: Joe Six-Pack. The Gabbler: Hey, man! Did...

Monday, September 30th, 2013

The Great American Conk-Out

THE GREAT AMERICAN CONK-OUT: (ðə greɪt əˈmɛrɪkən kɒŋk-aʊt) That time Congress decided to fuck Americans over by allowing the government to shut down in lieu of allowing a repeatedly defended, progressive healthcare reform to take effect. “I don’t know what’s worse, The...

Friday, September 27th, 2013

Over 8-Course Meal, Cantor Makes a Case to Cut Food Stamps

House Majority Leader Eric Cantor reportedly took four unidentified senators to dinner last night at a Washington D.C. area haute cuisine French hotspot, Marcel’s, in order to convince the senators of the need to cut food stamps....

Friday, September 20th, 2013

No-Foodie

NO-FOODIE: (noʊ-fudi) A person who develops a taste only for the essential vitamins and nutrients it takes to survive, after hearing the H.O.R. is planning to slash $40 billion in food stamps for low-income Americans.

Friday, September 13th, 2013

Diary Entry from George W. Bush Reveals that Obama’s Tuesday Night Speech Made Him Feel “Icky”

A new diary entry from former president George W. Bush revealed that President Obama’s speech on Tuesday rubbed him the wrong way, especially with regards to his frequent explicit imagery of dying Syrians to convey the severity...

Monday, September 2nd, 2013

The Gabbler Presents: Our Rejected Buzzfeed Submissions

Buzzfeed.com is the king of timely content that is presented almost exclusively in the form of lists that feature lots of oh-so-silly memes and .gifs, but when we at The Gabbler attempted to submit a few pretty...

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