Author Archive

Wednesday, April 3rd, 2013

New Texts Between Kanye and Jay Z Speak of Forgiveness, Love

It happened again. We thought he learned after the leaked messages to Kim, but a new series of text messages appear to have been hacked from rapper Kanye West’s iPhone. The following text message conversation appears to be an apology to fellow rapper Jay-Z, whose new hit single “Suit and Tie” was dissed by West

Wednesday, March 6th, 2013

Higgs Bosom, KimRod, Stewsick

Higgs Bosom (hɪgs ˈbʊzəm): The secret, invisible force field that causes eyes to be drawn to women’s breasts. Origin: A Higgs boson that collided with Hugh Hefner millions of lightyears ago. “I know she’s your mom and it’s...

Wednesday, February 27th, 2013

In Lieu of Addressing Yet Another Child Molestation Case, Pope Responds to Gay Rumors

In a last-chance attempt at resigning with his Papal Tiara held high, Pope Benedict XVI has finally decided to speak out against the rumors of a gay scandal concerning high-ranking Roman clergy, potentially including some even working...

Wednesday, January 30th, 2013

Police Report Disturbing Emergence of New Politically-Charged 'Gang of Eight'

  On Monday, District of Columbia police reported the emergence of a new local gang, known only on the streets as “The Gang of Eight.” While the organization’s level of danger is yet to be determined, The...

Wednesday, January 23rd, 2013

To Facebook, With Love

  The following essay was sent into the New York Times a few weeks ago to be considered for one of their Modern Love columns; a section devoted to submissions of contemporary love stories in our confused,...

Wednesday, January 9th, 2013

Do-it Date, Quentify, Suburbulosis

Do-it Date (dʊ ɪt deɪt):  The date upon which a baby is conceived through a specific, serendipitous act of sexual intercourse that results in the fertilization of an egg. Origin: Creepy paparazzi like TMZ who publically tried to...

Wednesday, January 2nd, 2013

Oh, I'm Just a Fiscal Bill

In the hopes that a catchy tune may help the House of Representatives pass the new fiscal deal more quickly, Schoolhouse Rock!, best known for its animated musical educational films, has released a spinoff of the hit...

Friday, December 28th, 2012

Cliff-Diving Enthusiast, Lame-Name, Sparbuck

  Cliff diving enthusiast: (klɪf daɪvɪŋ ɛnˈθu zi æst) A politician who believes that ultimatums are preferable to bipartisan compromise. He’d rather be impeached than even appear at a press conference with a Democrat, he’s that much of a cliff...

Wednesday, December 19th, 2012

NRA Attempts to Release Statement, Resulting Only in Awkward Pauses, Vomit

  In the wake of the horrific tragedy of the school shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School last Friday, the National Rifle Association (NRA) was scheduled to finally release a statement on Tuesday. Unfortunately, at the press...

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