In a last-chance attempt at resigning with his Papal Tiara held high, Pope Benedict XVI has finally decided to speak out against the rumors of a gay scandal concerning high-ranking Roman clergy, potentially including some even working at the Vatican.

The pope – who unexpectedly declared his resignation two weeks ago, making him the first pope in 598 years to do so – wrote and released a statement to the press on Tuesday night to respond to the swirling rumors of scandal.

“There are absolutely no homosexuals at the Vatican,” read the official papal press release. “We screen intensely for that sort of thing. That’s why we picked Michelangelo over da Vinci for the Sistine Chapel.”

“Furthermore,” the statement reads, “the cross-dressing is a simple misunderstanding. The hot pink high heels belonged to someone’s sister. The purple feathered boa was one of the young cardinal’s mother’s. The fishnet stockings are those of a repentant prostitute by the name of Mario – I mean, Maria… And the dress – it’s a cassock, actually – that’s mine. I know, it sounds a little crazy. But what can I say? When you get invited to a Silvio Berlusconi ‘bunga-bunga’ party, you go!”

The pope also denied that he was bribed by this information – or that a bribe had anything whatsoever to do with his resignation.

“I did receive a 300-page document last weekend, but I am not being bribed by the gay prostitutes of Rome. What happened was, I let a nice man with perfect hair and a fantastic suit borrow a copy of the Old Testament! That’s that.”

If not a gay scandal, members of the media proceeded to ask if the pope was resigning as an act of outward demonstration against the seemingly never-ending cases of sexual child abuse from Catholic priests and other members of the clergy – such as the recent allegations against Cardinal Keith O-Brien of Scotland and Cardinal Roger Mahoney of Los Angeles.

“Abuse? What abuse? I have no idea what you’re talking about,” said Benedict XVI, forcing a yawn. “I told you guys, I’m just tired!”