THE GABBLER

Author Archive

Friday, November 20th, 2015

The 12 Stages of Social Media Grief in Response to Paris Bombing

As updates on the horrific terrorist attacks in Paris transpired over last Friday night, social media users across the United States and elsewhere struggled with how their social presences should react. The following is a list of the common 12 stages of social media grief in response to these attacks. Please keep in mind that

Wednesday, September 2nd, 2015

Elizabeth Warren Cast as the “Real” Wonder Woman

After what many Americans thought to be a surefire casting of Hilary Clinton as America’s next Wonder Woman, Elizabeth Warren is now quickly replacing Clinton as a fan favorite, especially after her crazy-sexy speech to save Planned Parenthood a few...

Tuesday, March 31st, 2015

New Law To Give Business Owners Option to Refuse Service to Politicians

The voters of Indiana have proposed a new law to Governor Mike Pence that seeks to give business owners the option to refuse service to politicians, on the grounds of free speech, freedom to deny service, and...

Saturday, March 21st, 2015

Where’s Putin Been: The Gabbler’s Top 10 Theories Of Varying Validity

He was wrestling lions in Kenya. Note from the Kremlin press office: No lions were injured during the course of the fights. It was all in good fun, and they shared a few beers a topless bar...

Friday, January 23rd, 2015

Slate of the Union

SLATE OF THE UNION (sleɪt ov ðə ˈyun yən): A yearly speech given by the president of the United States in which he pretends that with the new year comes a completely clean slate and once again, anything is possible. “My fellow Americans,...

Wednesday, December 31st, 2014

The Gabbler’s New Year’s Resolutions for 2015

What have we learned? What can we look forward to? What mistakes are we going to make, yet again? Racism is alive and real, so let’s work on that in 2015, America. Visit Cuba! Havana Nights, baby…...

Wednesday, September 17th, 2014

“I Was Born With 6 Toes! (Or How My 600-Word College Admissions Essay Will Set Me Apart From the Rest of the Global Competition)”

This fall, high school seniors all over the country are hard-pressed to come up with a college admissions essay that isn’t cliched, tired, or just plain boring. As colleges get more competitive and diverse, suburban white kids...

Tuesday, June 10th, 2014

iPhone Users: Enlightened Futurists or Antisocial Assholes?

Does having an iPhone make us better people, or does it just make us even lazier and less aware of our surroundings? POINT: “I Hate My iPhone, But I’ll Die Without It” I first realized that my...

Thursday, June 5th, 2014

J. Edgar Hoover Awakens From Dead: “I Can’t Take It Anymore, NSA!”

Former FBI director and famed snooper J. Edgar Hoover arose from his grave at the Congressional Cemetery in Washington, D.C. late yesterday morning, according to multiple eyewitnesses.  Scientists have confirmed that this is the first instance of...

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