Author Archive

Friday, June 21st, 2013

Children to Sugary Cereal Mascots: “I Don’t Even Know You Anymore”

The world came crashing down for Cap’n Crunch fans earlier this week when it was discovered that he’s been lying about his “captain” status for years (Crunch has three gold bands on his shirt, meaning that he is a commander, rather than a captain, as captains have four), and it seemed like it couldn’t get

Friday, June 14th, 2013

The Fly on the Wall (and the NSA) is Still Watching You

In light of the recent discovery of the existence of the NSA’s PRISM program, The Gabbler decided to invite one of our former Burnt Microphone guests back to discuss the true meaning of surveillance: The Fly on the Wall....

Friday, May 31st, 2013

An Audience With The IRS

Getting an interview with the Internal Revenue Service was a lot more difficult that we at The Gabbler initially anticipated. But once we bribed them with information regarding Tea Party darling Michele Bachmann’s potential tax evasion techniques,...

Wednesday, May 22nd, 2013


SAWSPEAK: (sɔspik) A variation of the English language formed by “sawing” words in half for increased efficiency and/or cute nicknames. Origin: Either Paris Hilton or George Orwell’s 1984; we’re not entirely sure. “Obvs I’m tots going to...

Wednesday, May 8th, 2013

Congress Admits Its Own Impotency, Seeks Viagra Prescription

As the debate over the new immigration reform bill begins this week, Congress faces increased pressure to perform. In order to do so, Congress has admitted that it is going to seek a little extra help – in...

Wednesday, May 1st, 2013

How Not to Order a Shitty Drink So People Know You’re Not 19 Anymore

 The following is an excerpt from a forthcoming memoir entitled I’m Your Waitress and You’re an Idiot, written by Marie Mills, who worked as a waitress in several high-end restaurants and bars to put herself through college, graduate...

Friday, April 26th, 2013

The Truth About Fear

 While we at The Gabbler are almost always happy to use humor to hide our true feelings of sadness and insecurity, sometimes even we are unable to laugh when something so tragic occurs. The following is a...

Wednesday, April 10th, 2013

Gloomy Sunday

A bartender gets an interesting customer. Original fiction by Lisa DeBenedictis. The rain fell, pooling and hissing as it reached the gutters. I wiped at the foggy window with my rag, then continued with the stools. A...

Thursday, April 4th, 2013

‘Borowitz Report’ Executes Lone Successful Joke; Later Revealed As Typo

Despite its longstanding commitment to fundamentally tired and unclever attempts at humor and political satire, The Borowitz Report, a column in The New Yorker written by Andy Borowitz, contained at least one confirmed funny joke in last...

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