The world came crashing down for Cap’n Crunch fans earlier this week when it was discovered that he’s been lying about his “captain” status for years (Crunch has three gold bands on his shirt, meaning that he is a commander, rather than a captain, as captains have four), and it seemed like it couldn’t get much worse for children everywhere – until we all discovered that Cap’n Crunch isn’t the only one who’s been less than truthful.
Caving into what he called “pressure from above,” Trix Rabbit, of Trix cereal, admitted tearfully in a press conference on Thursday that he’s actually an arctic hare, not a rabbit.
“I did not have sexual relations with that woman,” said Trix Rabbit. “But I am, in fact, a hare. God, it feels so good to finally say it aloud!”
Hares have characteristically longer ears than rabbits, as well as significantly stronger hind legs – which account for Rabbit’s lanky ears and his ability to stand on his two rear feet for long periods of time.
“Yeah, I’m pretty friggen upset,” said Timmy Roberts, avid sugary cereal eater, aged six. “I loved those cereal mascots. It’s like, I don’t even know them anymore. Next thing I know, you people are going to tell me that Santa isn’t real or something. But I know my parents and the media wouldn’t lie to me like that!”
While at the press conference, Trix Rabbit also reportedly called out Lucky the Leprechaun, the beloved mascot of Lucky Charms cereal.
“I’m not letting General Mills make me take the fall for this,” Trix Rabbit exclaimed as he was led out by security. “Ask Lucky where he was born, for starters! He’s fucking Scottish! That brogue is a load of horse shit!”
Lucky the Leprechaun, who was present in the audience, flushed as bright red as his hair, mumbled something about a rainbow and picking up his pot of gold, and quickly made for the exit.
“I DEMAND A BIRTH CERTIFICATE!” Screamed Trix Rabbit before the doors slammed behind him.
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