All the news unfit to print.



Wednesday, September 2nd, 2015

Elizabeth Warren Cast as the “Real” Wonder Woman

After what many Americans thought to be a surefire casting of Hilary Clinton as America’s next Wonder Woman, Elizabeth Warren is now quickly replacing Clinton as a fan favorite, especially after her crazy-sexy speech to save Planned Parenthood a few weeks ago, and of course, the fact that she simply doesn’t want the job. With Wonder Woman set to come out

Tuesday, March 31st, 2015

New Law To Give Business Owners Option to Refuse Service to Politicians

The voters of Indiana have proposed a new law to Governor Mike Pence that seeks to give business owners the option to refuse service to politicians, on the grounds of free speech, freedom to deny service, and...

Wednesday, February 18th, 2015

Following Recent Holocaust Tapestry, Urban Outfitters Set to Hire Head of Human Decency

After yet another Urban Outfitters controversy, in which they used Holocaust concentration camp uniforms as design inspiration, the company has announced plans to create a Human Decency department, and are currently looking for someone to head up...

Tuesday, January 27th, 2015

Thousands of New Yorkers Vitamin Deficient in Wake of Juno-Induced Kale Shortage

Following the panic caused by incorrect reports of the severity of Winter Storm Juno thousands of New Yorkers have been left vitamin deficient, as Whole Foods and Trader Joes are both reporting a massive shortage of kale...

Wednesday, June 18th, 2014

Preschoolers Host Clinic on How to Fall Properly for World Cup Players

An official committee, made up of six three year-olds and a precocious two year-old, were recruited by World Cup officials to teach players how to fall without becoming hysterical. The clinic was held Sunday night, following the...

Thursday, June 5th, 2014

J. Edgar Hoover Awakens From Dead: “I Can’t Take It Anymore, NSA!”

Former FBI director and famed snooper J. Edgar Hoover arose from his grave at the Congressional Cemetery in Washington, D.C. late yesterday morning, according to multiple eyewitnesses.  Scientists have confirmed that this is the first instance of...

Saturday, May 10th, 2014

Megabus Announces Its New Writer’s Residency Program

Megabus is now officially accepting applications for its 2014 summer writer’s residency program, they announced this morning on their website. Inspired by Amtrak’s writer’s residency, the Megabus program will run from June 15th through August 31st, 2014 and...

Tuesday, April 1st, 2014

Affordable Care Act Deadline Rescheduled to Ensure Better Media Coverage

Due to the minimal news coverage of the recent Affordable Care Act enrollment deadline, officials have extended the deadline until further notice. “Listen, we probably should have planned better,” a spokeswoman said at a poorly attended press...

Tuesday, January 7th, 2014

In Effort to Boost Approval Ratings, Congress Sends Entire U.S. Skywritten Apology

Taking a page out of actor Shia LaBeouf’s book, Congress has issued a statement of apology to the entire population of the United States in the form of a skywritten message, which read: “I AM SORRY AMERICA.”  Congress, which...

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