THE GABBLER

All the news unfit to print.

HARD NEWS FOR HARDER TIMES

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Wednesday, September 2nd, 2015

Elizabeth Warren Cast as the “Real” Wonder Woman

After what many Americans thought to be a surefire casting of Hilary Clinton as America’s next Wonder Woman, Elizabeth Warren is now quickly replacing Clinton as a fan favorite, especially after her crazy-sexy speech to save Planned Parenthood a few weeks ago, and of course, the fact that she simply doesn’t want the job. With Wonder Woman set to come out

Thursday, May 21st, 2015

UN Attempts To Put US in “Timeout”

Last week, the United Nations had “no choice” but to give the United States a strict talking to at the UN’s Human Rights Council, citing police brutality and continued racial discrimination, as well as the death penalty...

Tuesday, March 31st, 2015

New Law To Give Business Owners Option to Refuse Service to Politicians

The voters of Indiana have proposed a new law to Governor Mike Pence that seeks to give business owners the option to refuse service to politicians, on the grounds of free speech, freedom to deny service, and...

Wednesday, February 18th, 2015

Following Recent Holocaust Tapestry, Urban Outfitters Set to Hire Head of Human Decency

After yet another Urban Outfitters controversy, in which they used Holocaust concentration camp uniforms as design inspiration, the company has announced plans to create a Human Decency department, and are currently looking for someone to head up...

Tuesday, January 27th, 2015

Thousands of New Yorkers Vitamin Deficient in Wake of Juno-Induced Kale Shortage

Following the panic caused by incorrect reports of the severity of Winter Storm Juno thousands of New Yorkers have been left vitamin deficient, as Whole Foods and Trader Joes are both reporting a massive shortage of kale...

Friday, November 21st, 2014

Don Lemon To Lead Women’s Self-Defense Class, With Emphasis on Penis-Biting

In an interview with Joan Tarshis, a woman who has come forward to accuse Bill Cosby of rape 45 years ago, CNN reporter Den Lemon made a revolutionary statement: “You know, there are ways not to perform...

Wednesday, June 18th, 2014

Preschoolers Host Clinic on How to Fall Properly for World Cup Players

An official committee, made up of six three year-olds and a precocious two year-old, were recruited by World Cup officials to teach players how to fall without becoming hysterical. The clinic was held Sunday night, following the...

Thursday, June 5th, 2014

J. Edgar Hoover Awakens From Dead: “I Can’t Take It Anymore, NSA!”

Former FBI director and famed snooper J. Edgar Hoover arose from his grave at the Congressional Cemetery in Washington, D.C. late yesterday morning, according to multiple eyewitnesses.  Scientists have confirmed that this is the first instance of...

Saturday, May 10th, 2014

Megabus Announces Its New Writer’s Residency Program

Megabus is now officially accepting applications for its 2014 summer writer’s residency program, they announced this morning on their website. Inspired by Amtrak’s writer’s residency, the Megabus program will run from June 15th through August 31st, 2014 and...

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