THE GABBLER

All the news unfit to print.

HARD NEWS FOR HARDER TIMES

Wednesday, August 21st, 2013

Duck Dynasty “Commander-in-Chief” to Star in New Pro-Fracking, Anti-Abortion Videos

Billionaire fracking tycoon and pro-life activist Farris Wilkes has recently signed a new spokesperson for his anti-abortion video series: A&E’s new reality television show Duck Dynasty star, Phil Robertson. Wilkes reportedly saw the star duck hunter’s recent anti-abortion rant on YouTube, and then watched a few episodes of the show, which solidified his decision. “I have been working with different

Friday, August 9th, 2013

Millions of Americans Diagnosed with Post Snowden Anxiety Disorder

An estimated eight million Americans have been diagnosed with Post Snowden Anxiety Disorder since Edward Snowden first leaked to the press the existence of the National Security Agency’s surveillance programs, which log Americans’ phone and internet activity,...

Wednesday, July 10th, 2013

Determined to Preserve “Egyptian Goddess” Wedding Theme, Kimye To Incorporate “Da Nile” and Egypt’s Angry Mobs into Wedding Festivities

Following Monday’s rumors of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West’s hopes to wed in Egypt, the happy couple (and new parents) decided to make a surprise visit to Cairo Tuesday to scope out potential vistas and venues for...

Wednesday, June 26th, 2013

Women in Military Continue to Insist on Being Raped, Pentagon Insider Says

A Pentagon employee recently spoke to the Gabbler on the condition of anonymity, saying that despite its best efforts, women in the military continue to insist on being raped and reporting it to their superiors. His main...

Friday, June 21st, 2013

Children to Sugary Cereal Mascots: “I Don’t Even Know You Anymore”

The world came crashing down for Cap’n Crunch fans earlier this week when it was discovered that he’s been lying about his “captain” status for years (Crunch has three gold bands on his shirt, meaning that he...

Wednesday, May 29th, 2013

Yahoo! Spokeswoman Meets with Disgruntled Tumblr User

Today, Yahoo spokeswoman Sara Gorman met with an anonymous, disgruntled Tumblr user to record a podcast discussing the recent $1.1 billion purchase of the blogging platform by Yahoo, in an attempt to assuage Tumblr user concerns over...

Wednesday, May 8th, 2013

Congress Admits Its Own Impotency, Seeks Viagra Prescription

As the debate over the new immigration reform bill begins this week, Congress faces increased pressure to perform. In order to do so, Congress has admitted that it is going to seek a little extra help – in...

Friday, April 12th, 2013

Former Rutgers Basketball Coach Mike Rice Announces Book Deal

Today at a press conference held at his Little Silver, New Jersey home, former Rutgers basketball coach Mike Rice, who was recently fired after ESPN aired a video of him verbally and physically abusing players, announced that...

Thursday, April 4th, 2013

‘Borowitz Report’ Executes Lone Successful Joke; Later Revealed As Typo

Despite its longstanding commitment to fundamentally tired and unclever attempts at humor and political satire, The Borowitz Report, a column in The New Yorker written by Andy Borowitz, contained at least one confirmed funny joke in last...

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