January 30th, 2013
Police Report Disturbing Emergence of New Politically-Charged 'Gang of Eight'

On Monday, District of Columbia police reported the emergence of a new local gang, known only on the streets as “The Gang of Eight.”

While the organization’s level of danger is yet to be determined, The Gang of Eight has wasted no time in making their presence known not only to their local community in Washington, D.C., but throughout the country.

According to local police, bipartisan gang activity has seen a large increase following the results of the 2012 election in November, with subsequent spikes during the outcry for gun law reform following the Newtown shootings and in January, with the heavy discussion of immigration reform.

The local police have confirmed eight known gang members: Marco Rubio (thought by many to be the organization’s leader), Jeff Flake, John McCain, Lindsay Graham, Dick Durbin, Robert Menendez, Chuck Schumer and Michael Bennet. The members reportedly all met through currently serving stints in the U.S. Senate, or as they refer to it, “The Hill.”

The only politically-bipartisan gang in D.C., The Gang of Eight’s typical initiation tactics reportedly include growing a bigote, purchasing an assault rifle, kissing a person of the same sex (with tongue), buying a Ronald Reagan bobble head and paying one’s taxes.

The gang was last seen publicly on Capitol Hill on Monday. Several witnesses described them as dressed in dark, expensive looking suits, with graying hair and eye bags. They also sported large matching tattoos on their left butt cheek: a magic eight ball.

“We got them in Cabo!” said McCain excitedly.

In addition to the obvious reference to cocaine, the eight ball is thought to signify good luck and success, as well as refer to the gang’s eight known members.

According to an several inside sources, however, Schumer may be forced to leave the gang soon following his departure from the Senate, which local police say may cause unrest and lessen the gang’s stability.

“With four Republicans and four Democrats, we truly have no idea what may provoke The Gang of Eight. We’re taking every necessary precaution to ensure the safety of our citizens,” said local police in a statement to press. “Those that aren’t citizens, though, should probably lay low.”