THE GABBLER

All the news unfit to print.

HARD NEWS FOR HARDER TIMES

Tuesday, April 1st, 2014

Affordable Care Act Deadline Rescheduled to Ensure Better Media Coverage

Due to the minimal news coverage of the recent Affordable Care Act enrollment deadline, officials have extended the deadline until further notice. “Listen, we probably should have planned better,” a spokeswoman said at a poorly attended press conference today. “We knew the How I Met Your Mother series finale was the same day as the

Wednesday, March 5th, 2014

Palin To Lead Task Force, Accompany Kerry On Trip To Ukraine

After the discovery that Alaska governor and former vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin is indeed a foreign policy expert and may even possess psychic powers, the Obama administration has made a swift decision to enlist her help with...

Tuesday, January 7th, 2014

In Effort to Boost Approval Ratings, Congress Sends Entire U.S. Skywritten Apology

Taking a page out of actor Shia LaBeouf’s book, Congress has issued a statement of apology to the entire population of the United States in the form of a skywritten message, which read: “I AM SORRY AMERICA.”  Congress, which...

Thursday, December 12th, 2013

New “Smart” Jockstrap to Curb Sexism

A new product is in beta stage that aims to curb sexist remarks and actions against women – before they even start. Called the “Smart-Jock,” the device is an athletic supporter, or jockstrap, that men can wear...

Wednesday, November 20th, 2013

This Story Will Shock You So Much It Will Make You F****** Puke

Yesterday, the non-profit Americans Seeking Newsworthy Truth launched the free course “Bringing the Shock: How to Inspire Americans to Anger.” The course is aimed at “bringing honesty back to American journalism by exposing the rage-inducing truth.” “Too...

Wednesday, October 2nd, 2013

Accepting Compromise, Congress Repeals Obamacare, Leaves Affordable Care Act in Place

After the first day of the government shutdown, Democrats and Republicans in the House of Representatives agreed on a compromise to refund the federal government by repealing Obamacare, but allowing the Affordable Care Act to be implemented...

Friday, September 27th, 2013

Over 8-Course Meal, Cantor Makes a Case to Cut Food Stamps

House Majority Leader Eric Cantor reportedly took four unidentified senators to dinner last night at a Washington D.C. area haute cuisine French hotspot, Marcel’s, in order to convince the senators of the need to cut food stamps....

Thursday, September 12th, 2013

The U.S., Russia, and Syria Agree to Let Diplomacy Fail for a Little While Longer

Faced with faltering domestic and international support for military action in Syria, but fearing a loss of credibility, the U.S. has agreed to let diplomacy fail for a little longer. A new Russian-sponsored plan calls for the...

Wednesday, September 4th, 2013

Reason behind Scott Brown’s Possible Campaigns Revealed by Internal Memo

An internal memo leaked to The Gabbler and written by Scott Brown to an anonymous campaign manager revealed that the true intention behind his recent campaign stops was to get a reality show. In recent weeks, experts...

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