House Majority Leader Eric Cantor reportedly took four unidentified senators to dinner last night at a Washington D.C. area haute cuisine French hotspot, Marcel’s, in order to convince the senators of the need to cut food stamps.

Over a crisp, icy bottle of Cuvee and two dozen oysters on the half shell with champagne and shallot mignonette, Cantor and the senators discussed how food stamp use among Americans has spiraled completely out of control in the past few years, with 27 million users in 2007 to nearly 48 million in 2013.

“While the bleeding-hearts insist that the spike may be due to this so-called ‘recession,’” said Cantor, before pausing to take a bite of his Scottish wild-caught smoked salmon and organic watercress with shaved cucumber salad, “I have to say that providing a crutch for laziness and perpetuating a welfare state just isn’t helping anyone!”

As the soup course was served (a chilled melon and smoked scallop soup with drizzled chili oil, to be exact), Cantor explained that a single adult with no disability or children can apply for and get roughly $150 a month towards food stamps in the D.C. area alone.

“That’s $5 a day! Hell, he can order a Starbucks latte in the morning with that kind of money! Only a tall of course – but still.”

Over the fifth course of seared local duck confit with a balsamic cherry reduction over a bed of frisée and crushed pistachios, the congressmen discussed the reasons why there should be limitations on perfectly capable able-bodied Americans across the country for receiving food stamps.

“Single mothers act like they’re so helpless, but if they’re chasing around after three kids, there’s no way they’re not building muscle,” said Cantor, dipping a slice of duck into the cherry glaze. “Babies are heavy! And if they can lift babies, they can definitely get a decent manual labor position.”

As they finished up the cheese course (a brie de chèvre, Epoisses, and a firm Ossau Iraty) and waited for the pot de créme and their fourth bottle of wine, the senators appeared to grow more and more agreeable.

“So, can I count on your vote on this?” asked Cantor. “Oh, and let’s make that five glasses of the Macallan 18, right?”

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