THE GABBLER

All the news unfit to print.

HARD NEWS FOR HARDER TIMES

Thursday, August 9th, 2012

Texas to Seek Death Penalty in Case Against Juvenile Offender

In a press conference held today at the Dallas County Courthouse, Dallas District Attorney Craig Watkins announced that he would be seeking the death penalty in the upcoming murder trial of ten-year-old José Rodriguez. The announcement comes just days after the state of Texas drew international criticism for the execution of Marvin Wilson, a 54-year-old

Thursday, August 2nd, 2012

Obama, Romney Hospitalized for Identity Disorder

  Within minutes of each other, both President Barack Obama and his challenger, former Governor of Massachusetts Mitt Romney, were taken via ambulance to be admitted to the psychiatric ward of St. Elizabeth’s Hospital in Washington, D.C....

Thursday, July 26th, 2012

Former US Citizens Form Lobby Group to Regain Right to Vote

In a press conference held today outside his Singapore residence, Facebook co-founder Eduardo Saverin announced the formation of a new special interest group, Former Americans for Voting Rights (FAVR). The group was formed by several former American...

Thursday, July 12th, 2012

For Katie Holmes, Marriage Became a 'Mission Impossible'

After filing for divorce from actor Tom Cruise last week, Katie Holmes has finally broken her silence on her reasons for ending her five year marriage. “He wanted me to be something I’m not,” said the former...

Monday, July 9th, 2012

Spanish Man Chased Out of Italy Following Euro Cup Final

Yesterday, José Fernandez Carrasco was found collapsed on the steps of Saint-Michel-Archange basilica in Menton, France, a coastal town located on the French-Italian border. Fernandez, a resident of Madrid, Spain, was initially incoherent but eventually told a...

Monday, July 2nd, 2012

Elephant in Supreme Courtroom Leaves Many Angry, Defensive

There was an elephant in the room directly following the announcement of the Supreme Court ruling in favor of the Affordable Care Act, but for reasons unknown to The Gabbler staff, no one on Capitol Hill wanted...

Tuesday, June 26th, 2012

Canadian Airports Will Spy On You, Respectfully

This week, the Canadian Border Services Agency (CBSA) announced its plans to install high-definition listening equipmentin airports across the country.The planted cameras and microphones are designed to pick up and record traveler and even employee conversations. The...

Tuesday, June 5th, 2012

Clinton Campaigns for Romney at Obama Fundraising Event

Yesterday, during a Barack Obama fundraising gala held at the Waldorf Astoria in New York City, Bill Clinton gave a speech in which he highlighted all of Republican nominee Mitt Romney’s advantages over President Obama. Clinton, who...

Monday, May 14th, 2012

First Child Raised Using Attachment Parenting to Graduate from College in July

Donald Lakeman, the first child reared using the then-revolutionary technique of attachment parenting, will receive his bachelor’s degree in psychology from the University of Phoenix in July at the age 47. Attachment parenting, which recently made headlines...

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