THE GABBLER

April 19th, 2012
Romney Announces VP Pick

This morning at a press conference held on the courthouse steps of Holland, Ohio, Romney announced that he has selected Samuel “Joe the Plumber” Wurzelbacher as his vice-presidential running mate. The move came as a shock to many pundits, who believed that Romney would choose either Governor Chris Christie of New Jersey, former Secretary of State Condaleeza Rice, or Governor Marco Rubio of Florida as his VP candidate. The pair was introduced by once vice-presidential hopeful Representative Paul Ryan (R-WI), who said of Romney, “Hey, if he wants to make the same mistake as McCain did four years ago, that’s his business. Just don’t expect me to save your ass later, Romney,” before shouting out “Ryan 2016!”

Wurzelbacher, a Holland resident and former plumber, has been a political activist since the 2008 presidential campaign, when he sparred with then presidential hopeful Barack Obama over his tax policy during an Ohio campaign event. Prior to Romney’s invitation to serve as his running mate, Wurzelbacher had been campaigning to serve Ohio’s ninth district in the House of Representatives. “I was thrilled when Romney asked me to be his veep [sic],” Wurzelbacher told the enthusiastic crowd of thirty, “I just knew this was my chance to unclog the drain of government spending and let freedom flow freely.”

Romney seemed equally excited saying, “Now I won’t even have to worry about finding a good plumber in DC; Ole Joe here can take care of any problems we have in the White House, for free. Another way that I plan to cut government spending,” before mentioning that “he [Wurzelbacher] could probably help with the running the country stuff, too.”

Romney also highlighted Wurzelbacher’s long involvement in the private sector as an additional reason for his selection. “Joe isn’t just a plumber, he’s an almost small business owner and a fellow Washington outsider,” Romney told the crowd, before joking, “but you know, the kind of small business owner and Washington outsider who has to work with toilets for a living.”

The two concluded their appearance by chanting “We are all Joe the Plumber” to a dwindling crowd, in imitation of a McCain rally during the 2008 campaign. Romney, however, briefly broke off from the chant to shout: “I employ all Joe the Plumbers.”

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