THE GABBLER

All the news unfit to print.

HARD NEWS FOR HARDER TIMES

Thursday, April 4th, 2013

Bomb Threat Called into Baby Shower Revealed as a Hoax

A bomb threat called into the San Marco Ristorante of Hauppauge, Long Island today, interrupting the baby shower of Mrs. Dina D’Angelo, was later revealed as a hoax by investigators. The threat was called into the restaurant at around 6:35 PM, as the guests, waiting on dessert, were playing a rousing game of Delectable Dirty

Wednesday, February 27th, 2013

In Lieu of Addressing Yet Another Child Molestation Case, Pope Responds to Gay Rumors

In a last-chance attempt at resigning with his Papal Tiara held high, Pope Benedict XVI has finally decided to speak out against the rumors of a gay scandal concerning high-ranking Roman clergy, potentially including some even working...

Monday, February 18th, 2013

Political Lobby Group behind Filibuster of Hagel Nomination Revealed

A new political lobby group, with the working name Boo, You Whore!, has come forward to take credit for the Republican Senators’ filibuster of Chuck Hagel’s Secretary of Defense nomination this past Thursday. The nomination is currently...

Wednesday, January 30th, 2013

Police Report Disturbing Emergence of New Politically-Charged 'Gang of Eight'

  On Monday, District of Columbia police reported the emergence of a new local gang, known only on the streets as “The Gang of Eight.” While the organization’s level of danger is yet to be determined, The...

Wednesday, December 19th, 2012

NRA Attempts to Release Statement, Resulting Only in Awkward Pauses, Vomit

  In the wake of the horrific tragedy of the school shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School last Friday, the National Rifle Association (NRA) was scheduled to finally release a statement on Tuesday. Unfortunately, at the press...

Friday, November 30th, 2012

Mired By Competing Fiscal Disaster Metaphors, Lawmakers Unable to Proceed with Budget Negotiations

  As the Bush tax breaks set to expire and the $1.2 trillion sequester of automatic across-the-board cuts hedge closer in December, Congressional leaders have decided to delay all budget negotiations until a bipartisan compromise can be...

Wednesday, November 21st, 2012

Hostess's Cease in Production Leaves CO Stoners in Mass Panic, Outrage

As Hostess continues to negotiate with its Bakers Union, production of its famous baked goods remains at a standstill, and many Americans have entered crisis mode. With its prices skyrocketing and grocery stores, markets, and corner marts...

Friday, November 9th, 2012

GOP Slams Women and Minorities For Reelecting Obama

  Barack Obama was reelected as the President of the United States of America late Tuesday night, and political analysts and pundits have been avidly discussing that what really steered Obama to victory was the support of...

Monday, October 22nd, 2012

In Wake of Shootings, US State Department Issues Travel Warning

The State Department has issued a travel warning for the United States, warning Americans that there may be increased danger for any Americans traveling from their private residences to any public place in the continental United States....

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