As Hostess continues to negotiate with its Bakers Union, production of its famous baked goods remains at a standstill, and many Americans have entered crisis mode.
With its prices skyrocketing and grocery stores, markets, and corner marts selling out of such beloved treats as Ding Dongs, Fruit Pies and of course, Twinkies, some citizens have resorted to offering high sums of money and even sexual favors on Craigslist in exchange for their favorite cream-filled cakes.
“I have Twinkies. Last box in the store. 12 pack. I will let you have 11 if you let me eat one off your tits,” reads one ad.
Paula Deen, Southern chef and inventor of the critically-acclaimed Twinkie Pie recipe, has reportedly offered $ 1 million dollars per case of Twinkies, as well.
“They may have a shelf life of 348 years, but on my shelf, they last about two minutes. I’m not taking any chances,” said Deen.
But in Colorado, where the loss of these stoner-munchie favorites coincides with the new legalization of marijuana for its residents, the state of affairs has taken a much graver turn. Upon discovery that local stores were out of Hostess products, marijuana enthusiasts have turned to protest, pillage, and even arson in search of the very last Little Debbie.
“What the fuck are we supposed to do? Eat JUST Doritos?” asked a weeping young man sitting on the steps of what once was a 7-11. “Doesn’t anyone understand that when you’re stoned, you need the perfect blend of sweet AND savory? Why do you think we call it ‘baked,’ goddamnit?”
In a press statement, President Obama expressed his hopes that the issues between Hostess and its union will be resolved in a timely manner, and noted that First Lady Obama suggests carrot sticks as an alternative in the interim.
But carrot sticks may not put out this fire in their bellies.
“We are the 80 percent!” chanted the crowds outside a local Denver grocery store, referring to the current statistic that 8 in 10 Americans are overweight.
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