As the political pundits and economic experts of CBS News, the Washington Post, the Daily Beast and countless other publications carefully confirmed or denied the many assertions made in last week’s Democratic National Convention, The Gabbler investigative team has dug even deeper into the true heart of these speeches: the claims powerful Democratic men made about the importance of the women in their lives.
With the help of Hillary Clinton, Dr. Jill Biden, Michelle Obama and Maria “Rosie” Castro (mother of keynote speaker and San Antonio mayor Julian Castro) The Gabbler debunked a few claims made by the men of the DNC and confirmed one universal truth: a convention speech is only as good as the women who it slathers with praise.
Bill Clinton: “I am very proud of [Hillary].”
Hillary Clinton did not confirm nor deny this claim. She simply shook her head and walked away, saying, “I have more important things to do than to fact check what the boys are saying. Someone has to run the State Department.”
Vice President Joe Biden: “Jilly…I [am] so proud of you…And I’m grateful. So grateful that you said “Yes” on that fifth try.”
Dr. Biden confirms that her husband Joe is nothing, if not really, really grateful that she finally broke down and agreed to marry him. “Here’s a tip, ladies: make them sweat it out. Be coy, wait until at least the third proposal to say yes. That way, he’ll be eternally grateful for your sacrifice in agreeing to marry him. And grateful husbands are like well-trained dogs, they’ll do anything you ask them to.”
Julian Castro: “And while she may be proud of me tonight, I’ve got to tell you, Mom, I’m even more proud of you. Thank you, Mom.”
Ms. Castro debunked this statement, claiming, “It is not possible to be more proud of someone than I was of Julian that night. Also, Julian, if you’re so proud of me, you could be a little more like that nice Mr. Christie man who spoke at the Republican Convention. He doesn’t look like he’s ever turned away a plate of food from his mama just because he was on a ‘low carb diet to lose those last 5 pounds before the Convention.’ You’re too skinny, mijo.”
President Barack Obama: “Michelle, I love you so much.”
Michelle Obama confirms that this, if anything, is an understatement, saying “You better. I don’t get up every day at 4:30 to do push ups just for the fun of it.”