November 9th, 2012
GOP Slams Women and Minorities For Reelecting Obama

Barack Obama was reelected as the President of the United States of America late Tuesday night, and political analysts and pundits have been avidly discussing that what really steered Obama to victory was the support of single women, African Americans and in particular, Hispanics.

Indeed, Obama led with a 11 percent advantage over female voters, forcing the GOP to look inward and ask why so many American women no longer seem to identify with their policies.

“I just don’t get it. I really don’t,” said Republican talk show host Karl Rove, shaking his head. “I really thought pitting bitter married women against their slutty single counterparts would work.”

“It’s just like a woman to put the right to her own body before the country’s economic well-being,” said conservative writer and commentator Anne Coulter. “Typical.”

Obama also led among minority voters, with 93 percent of the African American vote and nearly 70 percent of the Hispanic vote.

“You know, we barely tried to make a dent with blacks, because we knew they’d just vote for their ‘brotha’ or whatever, but we really thought that taking a firm stand on deportation would make a lot of Hispanics respect us all the more,” said a now unemployed Romney strategist who wishes to remain nameless. “It’s kind of like getting into a better college than your sibling or something. You get to stay, but your little brother may have to go somewhere a bit, ah, closer to home.”

“Maybe people thought Marco Rubio was like, Italian, not Latino? I always get those mixed up,” said Arizona Governor Jan Brewer.

One thing is for certain, however. GOP analysts and politicians alike admit that in future elections they will need to reevaluate their strategy of forcing female and minority supporters to adopt extreme social conservatism along with their other platforms, such as a more conservative take on fiscal spending.

“What do we have to do, make fucking Michelle Malkin Barbie dolls?” screamed Republican talk show host Bill O’Reilly. “BECAUSE WE WILL!”