April 19th, 2012
FBI Launches Investigation into New Terrorist Activities

Today, in a press conference held at FBI headquarters, FBI director Robert Mueller announced that the FBI is launching a large-scale investigation into the April 19th series of bird strikes, which affected three separate planes, including one carrying Vice President Joe Biden and another carrying Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.

Mueller began by detailing the three attacks. In one, Air Force Two, carrying the Vice President, was approaching a landing strip in Santa Barbara when the plane was hit by birds. Luckily, the plane landed successfully and according to official reports, the plane was never in any significant danger of crashing. However, according to Mueller, Vice President Biden was forced to ride home in a different plane, “to keep the terrorist birds from trailing him back to D.C.” A second strike occurred in a flight carrying Hillary Clinton between Brussels and Paris. No one was harmed, and the birds were not discovered until the plane landed in Paris. Mueller was even more disturbed by this attack, as “it means that they’re attacking senior American officials as far away as Europe.” The final bird strike resulted in the emergency landing of a Delta passenger plane at JFK Airport. “This strike was by far the most severe and most successful of the three. The birds flew straight into the plane’s turbine, causing the engine to fail and the passenger cabin to fill up with smoke,” Mueller said.

Mueller continued to explain that the investigation is in the beginning stages.

“We are still unsure whether the birds are being trained by an existent terrorist organization or are acting of their own free will, but we are 100 percent certain that these bird strikes represent a carefully orchestrated terrorist strike against American citizens and top government officials,” Mueller told reporters.

However, the FBI has managed to collect information to suggest that this simultaneous attack of three airplanes is a buildup of decades worth of activity. “The number of bird strikes has more than quadrupled since 1990, killing hundreds of people. Are we really supposed to believe that there are no terrorists behind such an incredible increase in attacks?” Mueller asked.

The FBI hopes to release a preliminary report in six months’ time, detailing the extent of the terrorist bird threat and suggesting possible security and defense measures that could be taken to prevent future attacks.

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