THE GABBLER

May 29th, 2013
Yahoo! Spokeswoman Meets with Disgruntled Tumblr User

Today, Yahoo spokeswoman Sara Gorman met with an anonymous, disgruntled Tumblr user to record a podcast discussing the recent $1.1 billion purchase of the blogging platform by Yahoo, in an attempt to assuage Tumblr user concerns over the acquisition.

The Tumblr user, a friend and colleague of the Internet Troll interviewed by The Gabbler last year, is known only by his Tumblr profile name, Yahoo Suck on It and Die. The blog was created following the announcement that Yahoo was buying Tumblr and mainly consists of rants against Yahoo and .gifs of Betty White. He plans on posting the podcast tomorrow, and gave The Gabbler an exclusive first listen.

The podcast begins with Yahoo Suck on It and Die discussing a topic he describes as “near and dear to [his] own heart,” the issue of the potential censorship of Tumblr by Yahoo, a company that does not allow any profanity or obscene imagery to appear on their website.

“Why you gotta take away our Tumblr porn, old lady?!” questioned Yahoo Suck on It and Die at one point.

Gorman, who spoke entirely in “I statements,” a form of conflict management employed by many middle school guidance counselors, answered simply by saying “I feel confused when you say that we’re taking away your porn. I would like you to know that we have no plans to change or moderate Tumblr content.”

“You can’t take away the porn, you old bitch. Seriously. Tumblr porn is the closest thing to date night for this, um, person I know,” replied Yahoo Suck on It and Die.

The exchange continued with Yahoo Suck on It and Die explaining his inability to identify with the Yahoo! brand.

“You’re just so old and lame, Yahoo!. My sister wasn’t even born when you were founded. You’re like a dinosaur who doesn’t even know when it’s time to be extinct.”

Gorman responded, “I feel hurt when you say that I’m old and outdated. I would like you to know that Yahoo! is a very current and successful brand that encourages a wide range of educational and entertaining content for our users.”

“What content? You mean your homepage articles? You just use words to talk about what’s happening in the world, not gifs of Jennifer Lawrence or Ryan Gosling memes that hilariously relate to my everyday life. I bet you don’t even know what a meme is, dinosaur,” said Yahoo Suck on It and Die.

From here, the two began to discuss the real concern of Yahoo Suck on It and Die as well as many Tumblr users: the threat of monetization through advertisements.

“What are you even going to do to get your $1 billion back, bitch? You gonna put ads on our site? You gonna sell us out to Mickey D’s, you ugly cow?”

Gorman, who had been questioned very aggressively by Yahoo Suck on It and Die for close to 45 minutes at this point, dropped her polite tone and use of the “I statement.”

“Listen, you ugly, pathetic little troll, I get it if you think Yahoo is outdated and useless to your generation, even though our web traffic actually equals Tumblr’s. And I get that you’re worried about your porn, since I can’t imagine any hands other than your own being willing to touch you. But DO NOT EVEN with this fucking question of advertisement. Is your generation completely fucking insane? Do you think that companies run on rainbows and hopes and dreams and puppy farts? Do you honestly think that a company can offer a free service and then not place a single ad on that service and actually be able to pay its bills? I mean how fucking entitled are you guys that you think everything should come free without even the cost of a tiny little ad in the corner?”

This rant was followed by Yahoo Suck on It and Die giggling for five minutes and then telling several “your multibillion dollar corporation is so old” jokes to which Gorman did not respond.

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