While we at The Gabbler are big fans of sarcasm and a good laugh at the expense of others, we don’t quite understand why so many people take to the anonymity of the web to post the sort of insults that are so wretched they can even provoke an emotional response from Mitt Romney. These creatures aren’t actually human: they’re grimy, pockmarked individuals known as “internet trolls.” And one of them made the grave mistake of meeting with us in person.
The Gabbler: Thank you so much for meeting with us today, Mr – uh – EatShitAndDie6969? Am I pronouncing that correctly? All one word?
Internet Troll: Yup. Can you handle that? Or are you as dumb as you are ugly?
G: I know you didn’t mean that, Mr. EatShitAndDie. And is that your real name?
IT: What, you want to be fucking Facebook friends? That is the name I have chosen for myself, and so EatShitandDie6969 is my true, sacred name: my internet username.
G: Great. (Pauses.) You know, you can come out from behind that chair. And take that mask off. And nix the voice synthesizer. I’m not going to–
IT: –Oh, you’d like that wouldn’t you, you worthless waste of oxygen? You stupid, sad, little bitch. EXCLAMATION POINT! EXCLAMATION POINT! EXCLAMA–
G: –Woah, woah, woah! You just went zero to about 360 on me, EatShitAndDie! Can we back it up here for a second? Keep the mask on. It’s fine! Lets talk about why you became an internet troll.
IT: You’re father never loved you.
G: Seriously? Answer the question!
IT: Fine. I’ll just save my comments for your piece of shit blog. Ah-hem. An internet troll is not something you become. I was born a troll. I will die a troll. It is who I am.
G: So are you like a mythical creature-type troll? Or are we speaking figuratively?
IT: Ugh, you’re such a goddamn moron. I’m like a cross between a Harry Potter troll and a Lord of the Rings dwarf. A little bit shorter, a little more hair on my toes. You get the idea. The word “troll” when referring to my species, however, – internet troll – gets its name from the Old French troller, which means “to hunt,” of course.
G: Of course. And do you typically hang out around bridges still?
IT: Nah, mostly Reddit. Also any syndicated columnist posts. Twitter can be fun, but I find it a little restrictive. A few major news source sites, too, but most are all “regulating” their comments these days. Bunch of fucking fascist pussies. Hey, if you can’t take the heat, don’t fucking Tweet. Am I right?
G: But don’t you ever feel like you trolls might be taking it a bit far? What about the anti-Semitic comments, the racial slurs, the degrading remarks against women? Some trolls even cyber-stalk people. It’s really disturbing.
IT: But that’s the point, you useless piece of cum-guzzling garbage. We aim to provoke an emotional response: anger, frustration, sadness. It’s how we sustain ourselves.
G: What the—What the hell is your problem?
IT: My point, exactly. Our troll ancestors fed off human flesh. But that got old, and now there’s Seamless and GrubHub. This is the virtual age! We’ve replaced bridges with basements and clubs with cursors. It’s fantastic. And honestly, the thrill of the hunt in a virtual attack can be just as satisfying. Plus, with practically every stay-at-home mom with a half decent camera and too much free time starting a blog these days, lets just say there’s plenty of fresh meat to go around.
G: Okay, well what about the legislation in Great Britain that has put several internet trolls behind bars for defamation?
IT: The Brits always were a bunch of stuck up pussies.
G: But take Sean Duffy, for example. After a 15-year-old girl was killed when she was hit by a train, he posted comments on her Facebook tribute page such as “I fell asleep on the track LOLZ.” Don’t you think that is taking this just way too far?
IT: You have to admit, though, that YouTube video he made was pretty funny: “Tasha the Tank Engine.” Priceless!
G: You’re a fucking monster, man.
IT: No, I’m a troll. And I just want to know: do you support freedom of speech? Does the phrase: “I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it,” actually mean anything to you?
G: Well, yeah—
IT: –Good. You’re not a completely worthless cunt rag.
G: (Jumps up out of her seat.) ALL RIGHT, THAT’S IT. WHY DON’T YOU SAY THAT TO MY FACE, YOU GODDAMN COWARD?
IT: Say what? That you’re a smelly whore? Or that you’re a dumb, fat twat? EXCLAMATION POINT.
G: Okay, you know what? A twat can’t even be fat. And I just joined Crossfit, so you can suck it. You know what I think? I think you’re lonely, and sad, and pathetic. Negative attention is better than nothing, right?
IT: How astute. I was gravely mistaken to have insulted your intelligence. But let me ask you a question, you dumbass waste of space. If trolls are such worthless piles of shit, then why are more and more media outlets and writers emulating their behavior?
G: What are you talking about?
IT: Do you ever wonder why what used to be known as prestigious media outlets post extremely controversial and pretty fucking inaccurate content more and more these days?
G: Because the internet raped and pillaged Journalism, then vomited all over it before lighting it on fire and throwing it out the window?
IT: Huh. Clever. Good thing, because your face looks it got caught on fire and someone tried to put it out with a fork. Because they know that if they trigger an emotional response in their readers, they’ll get more hits on their website. Hence Newsweek’s “MUSLIM RAGE.” Hence Forbes’ “If I Were A Poor Black Kid” and “Why Most Women Will Never Become CEO.” Hence Business Insider reporting that the Lipstick Effect is a direct result of the fact that “women see a decrease of the availability of quality mates” without citing a single statistic to back that logic. They’re trolling, too. They may not call you a cock-sucking mother-fucking dipshit, but I can still feel the hunches forming in their backs. They want you, the reader, to get mad, to get upset. Because when you do, guess what? It only makes them more money in advertising. Trolls are taking over the internet, whether you like it or not. So do me a favor: save the “playing nice” and the “moderated discussion” bullshit for preschool and The New York Times. This is the real world.
G: Nope. This is the real world. (Leans over and kicks him in the groin.) Eat shit and die, Troll.
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