A Pentagon employee recently spoke to the Gabbler on the condition of anonymity, saying that despite its best efforts, women in the military continue to insist on being raped and reporting it to their superiors.
His main contention with the issue of sexual assault in the military was that women are persistent in their “desire to be raped.”
“Listen, we try to butch them up as much as we can. I mean, have you seen a woman in uniform? Even the hottest woman looks a little, well, mannish. But these women are absolutely determined to be raped, showing off the sweet curvature of their toned, post-boot camp asses in even the baggiest of camo pants. And then they’re surprised when they get sexually assaulted?”
He also insisted that officially allowing women to fight in combat situations has only added to the problem. “I mean, seriously, ladies? Are you trying to turn our fantasies into reality? When you go out into the Afghani desert with your AK-47, so self-assured and curvy, you’re basically your own rapist by tempting us so completely. Plus, if you’re the only available woman around for 100 miles, what do you expect will happen? ”
The spokesman also said that the number of reported rapes was shocking. “A full 10% of these so-called rapes and sexual assaults are reported. That’s completely unacceptable. We’re looking to bring this number as close to 0% as possible.”
The source continued, saying, “We don’t believe in miracles so we realize there will always be whiny women crying rape, but we do believe in the power of the U.S. military to intimidate and sidetrack these women until they shut up.”
When asked about whether or not he thinks the military fosters a rape culture, he replied that it did not. “There is no ‘rape’ culture. If some men are overly sexually aggressive, that’s the fault of biology and being primed by their testosterone, the very force which makes them such capable soldiers,” he said.
“Women who find that uncomfortable or unwelcome shouldn’t put themselves in a military environment,” he added.
He also spoke about the recent House bill which seeks to impose more stringent punishments on servicemen and women convicted of rape or sexual assault. “This bill was ridiculous. You can’t punish what doesn’t happen. But thank God it at least didn’t remove report of rape from the military chain of command, where it belongs, where we can keep an eye on these women and their ridiculous claims.”
He concluded by addressing what he called “the absurdity” of claims that men are raped and sexually assaulted in the military.
“That’s ridiculous. If you’re enough of a fairy to let someone rape you, then you don’t belong in America’s military. We still have a war to fight. We don’t have the time or the resources to help you guard your own back door all day.”
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