April 4th, 2013
Bomb Threat Called into Baby Shower Revealed as a Hoax

A bomb threat called into the San Marco Ristorante of Hauppauge, Long Island today, interrupting the baby shower of Mrs. Dina D’Angelo, was later revealed as a hoax by investigators.

The threat was called into the restaurant at around 6:35 PM, as the guests, waiting on dessert, were playing a rousing game of Delectable Dirty Diapers, in which melted candy bars are smeared in disposable diapers and players must guess which diaper contains which candy bar. The manager, Angelo Martinelli, immediately reported the threat to the police and evacuated the restaurant.

Several of the baby shower guests offered up possible motives.

“It was the terrorists. Those Arabs just wandering around with bombs under their turbans, you don’t think I haven’t seen them at the mall?” claimed D’Angelo’s grandmother, Maria Vitale.

Meanwhile, D’Angelo’s good friend Bridget Murphy had another theory.

“Oh my God, what if it’s Dina? And she’s just, like, hiding this bomb under her shirt and she was never pregnant all along and she just faked the bump so there would be room for the bomb?”

In later interviews, the mother-to-be called the whole debacle “fucking ridiculous” and claimed that she would be “suing the shit out of that restaurant” for “giving my baby depression or PTSD or something.”

D’Angelo insisted that the events of the day would “definitely have, like, a HUGE effect” on the baby, since “she’s just like this little  28 week old fetus thing. I’m barely even showing, she’s so tiny. Right? You can, like, barely tell I’m pregnant from behind? RIGHT?!”

Initially, the police suspected that the fake bomb threat had been called in by Nick Jones, the only man present at the baby shower. Jones was invited to the shower so that D’Angelo could set him up with her cousin, Tiffany.

This cousin was later described by Jones as “fucking huge and not in that hot big assed kind of way.” He continued to say that “even that might have been fine if she had talked about anything other than her three-legged cat Mr. Chubbykins.”

However, Jones denied calling in the threat.

“It’s been awhile, so I figured maybe as long as Mr. Chubbykins wasn’t watching it would’ve at least been a good way to get it in, you know?” he bashfully admitted.

The current suspect in the case is Stephanie Connor, who was led away from the scene by the police screaming “They were pretending candy was baby poop!!! She spent the past FOUR HOURS opening 456 presents!!! I couldn’t STAND it anymore!!!”