THE GABBLER

February 18th, 2013
Political Lobby Group behind Filibuster of Hagel Nomination Revealed

A new political lobby group, with the working name Boo, You Whore!, has come forward to take credit for the Republican Senators’ filibuster of Chuck Hagel’s Secretary of Defense nomination this past Thursday. The nomination is currently stalled in the Senate, after Republicans called for a supermajority to end debate and Democrats were unable to come up with the required 60 votes.

The group, which first claimed responsibility for the filibuster in a press release on their website booyouwhore.com, recently spoke to The Gabbler about their origins and their recent work with the GOP.

The President of the group, Brittany DePaul, said that several Republican lobbyists had reached out to her and several of her friends, all of whom attended George Mason Highs School in northern Virginia, this past summer, leading up to the November election. “Some, like, old white guys asked us if we wanted to, like, help save the government from Obama or something. I wasn’t really sure, because it’s like my senior year and I kind of just wanted to party, but then he said it would look really good on my college applications since I would be, like, in charge of a company or something, so I was like, sure.”

Since their creation in August 2012, the organization, consisting entirely of 17-year-old girls, has been advising the GOP on various tactics to maintain dominance despite the unfavorable election results last November.

“I didn’t really know that much about politics and stuff, but, like, this one time sophomore year, Mike Jenkins totally dumped me for Tiffany McFarlan, who is like SOOO gross, and I totally thought I would never be popular again, but now, I’m two thirds of the way to winning the George Mason Triple Crown: Homecoming Queen, Winter Ball Queen, and Prom Queen, so I like, totally know how to get popular again after you like, lose everything,” DePaul explained.

DePaul claimed to have crafted the idea for the filibuster against Hagel, a Republican and former senator from Nebraska, calling him “a dirty, backstabbing whore just like Tiffany, for going against the party and siding with that Obama.”

“Being popular is all about establishing dominance, and to do that you have to, like, first purge yourself of the backstabbers and whores, you know?” she said. “So I was just like, this nomination, he can’t have it. Make it stop and like maybe start some dirty rumors about him.”

While DePaul did not elaborate on what those rumors were, several Super PACs have circulated ads portraying Hagel as a homophobic, anti-Israel misogynist. He was also accused of having ties to Iran by Senator Jim Inhofe (R-OK) during Hagel’s nomination hearing.

When asked about the GOP’s insistence that the White House provide more information about the Benghazi attacks in exchange for Hagel’s nomination, DePaul said that she also advocated this plan.

“I told them that, like, the best way for the powerless to exert influence and stuff is to like, blackmail people. It was like this one time, when I took Tommy Rodriguez’s virginity even though he was saving it for marriage and I promised not to tell his church if he did my all of my Trig homework and he totally did. If I hadn’t blackmailed him using his mortal sin or whatever, I never would have like had the power to get someone else to do my homework, you know?” she said.

DePaul insisted that Boo, You Whore! would continue working with the GOP “even though, like, I’m not sure I was supposed to do this interview or post that press release, but I figured that like this Hagel thing is kind of in the news and wouldn’t it be cool if I could use it as a chance to get my name out there and be famous just like that Lindsay Graham guy is doing?”

She concluded the interview by explaining the origin of the group’s unusual name. “It’s from Mean Girls, my, like, all-time favorite movie. Seriously, Regina George is like my hero, except for that whole getting hit by a bus and having a turn of heart thing. Luckily, I’ve never been hit by a bus, so I can totally keep on being the hottest bitch in school without a gross back brace.”

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