December 19th, 2012
NRA Attempts to Release Statement, Resulting Only in Awkward Pauses, Vomit


In the wake of the horrific tragedy of the school shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School last Friday, the National Rifle Association (NRA) was scheduled to finally release a statement on Tuesday. Unfortunately, at the press conference, the spokesman for the NRA was unable to actually speak.

According to Gabbler correspondents present, the spokesman for the NRA stood at the podium for over 11 minutes before actually talking.

Witnesses nearest to the podium say that the official spent a great deal of those minutes shuffling papers, adjusting his tie, and clearing his throat.

When he did finally speak, his words were garbled and barely audible.

“I–uh. We–uh, we–don’t really know…” the official said, repeatedly wiping his sweating forehead.

Then, the speaker promptly vomited, spraying a great deal of greenish-yellow flem and what appeared to be the remnants of Kellogg’s Corn Flakes onto several members of the audience. Coincidentally, the two persons that bore the brunt of the projectile spew were Senate members Saxby Chambliss (R-GA) and Lamar Alexander (R-TN), who are the two largest recipients of NRA donations for their 2012 elections in all of Senate.

“It appears that sitting front-row center can prove detrimental in situations such as these,” said Senator Diane Feinstein (D-CA), grinning happily.

 After everyone got cleaned up and the smell faded, Gabbler correspondents found that the speech was met with mixed reactions from politicians and analysts on both sides.

“I, for one, was quite pleased with the stoicism of his response,” said House member Steve Fincher (R-TN). “Frankly, in situations like this, less is more. It was so…visceral.”

Fellow Republican member of the House Eric Cantor agreed.

“I think that people may misinterpret what occurred here today, but for me, it was a sign of deep respect,” said Cantor, who also appeared to be sweating rather heavily. “In fact, I would argue that it was a deliberate moment of silence. As for the vomiting – well, it’s that time of year. Everyone’s getting the sniffles!”

“I mean, yeah, he could have addressed more topics,” said Senator Mark Warner (D-VA). “Well, really any topics, I suppose.”

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” said Mayor of New York Michael Bloomberg via phone interview, when asked by The Gabbler to comment on the speech.

“We…we’re….sorry?” stammered the NRA official one last time into the microphone, before fainting and being carried away to a local infirmary.

Comments are closed.