June 5th, 2014
J. Edgar Hoover Awakens From Dead: “I Can’t Take It Anymore, NSA!”

Former FBI director and famed snooper J. Edgar Hoover arose from his grave at the Congressional Cemetery in Washington, D.C. late yesterday morning, according to multiple eyewitnesses.  Scientists have confirmed that this is the first instance of a human or other animal species coming back from the dead.

Footage of Hoover pushing out of the ground with his fist shows him nearly toppling over his gravestone in as he pulls himself out of the ground.

While alive from 1924 to 1972, Hoover paved the way for the American government to start spying on its own people. He worked tirelessly on the development of professionalizing law enforcement, forensic assistance, domestic counterintelligence and counterespionage.

According to one of the cemetery’s caretakers, Bill Blythson, after emerging from his grave, the zombie of Hoover then allegedly asked for directions to the National Security Agency’s (NSA) headquarters in Fort Meade, Maryland.

The cemetery’s video surveillance camera also caught Zombie Hoover exiting, at a rather clipped pace.

“Enough is enough!” roars Zombie Hoover on camera. “Facial recognition? I’m sick of the NSA having all the fun without me!”

“It was quite a sight,” said Blythson in a phone interview later that day. “I was pretty shaken up, what with seeing a zombie and all. But he didn’t want to kill me and eat my face, as I’d originally thought. He just kept yelling about digital image harvesting.”

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