Getting an interview with the Internal Revenue Service was a lot more difficult that we at The Gabbler initially anticipated. But once we bribed them with information regarding Tea Party darling Michele Bachmann’s potential tax evasion techniques, a member of the shadowy team known as the IRS quickly agreed to meet at an undisclosed location after nightfall.
TG: Thanks so much for meeting me here in this, uh, deserted parking garage.
IRS: Don’t come any closer.
TG: Dude, I’m just avoiding a rat. There is like, a pile of decomposing garbage directly behind me. Why couldn’t we just meet at Starbucks?
IRS: That’s Mister to you, missy. Show some goddamn respect.
TG: Yikes. You don’t mess around, Mr. IRS man.
IRS: We can’t afford to – we deal with numbers. No room for error, no misinterpretations, no gray area. I leave that bullshit to the English majors.
TG: I was an English major, actually. Do I regret it? No, because I loved it. I truly did. But if I could do it again, yeah, I’d probably do a double major with a harder science—
IRS: Cut to the chase. Give me the dirty on Michele Bachmann’s tax evasion. It was a bullshit charity write-off, wasn’t it? I knew she didn’t give $200,000 in clothes to Planet Aid! But who can prove that?
TG: In time, my friend, in time. Would you mind answering a few questions first?
IRS: It doesn’t appear that I have a choice. All right, make it quick.
TG: What make you decide to work for the IRS?
IRS: I don’t work for the IRS, kid. This isn’t some paper route. I’m not shoveling shit. It’s not a bullshit desk job that lets me sit at a cubicle, watching the clips from Gay of Thrones on my headphones.
TG: You watch Gay of Thrones? I love those guys!
IRS: No. Never. Not even once. But it’s my job to know about them, because I have reason to believe that FunnyorDie.com hasn’t been entirely truthful on its tax returns regarding its accrued ad revenue for the pathetic little venture. The point is, the IRS is more than a fucking job, okay? It’s a choice. It’s a way of life. It’s about sacrifice, integrity, and honor. We shed light on the truth, but we must always live in the shadows.
TG: Deep shit. That kind of sounds more like the CIA, though.
IRS: Ha! The CIA is a joke. Half of those idiots miss our deadline entirely (April 15, people, it doesn’t change!) and the others miss out on about 80 percent of the deductibles because they’re too busy hiding behind some rock in the Afghan desert to be an informed tax payer. We’re the real unsung heroes. Ever since President Abraham Lincoln, the greatest president of all time, created the temporary Revenue Act of 1862–
TG: Wait! Temporary? So why are we still paying them?
IRS: Have you seen a money tree growing anywhere around here, kid? Or do you just pull it straight from your ass?
TG: Okay, okay. My apologies. Don’t you ever like, feel bad, though? We pay SO much in taxes. Do you feel like all that money is really allocated properly?
IRS: If you’re implying that we use taxpayer money to pay for our weekly pizza party, I’ll have you know that’s… classified information.
TG: Not cool.
IRS: Oh, please. Listen, no one likes taxes, okay? But they pay for public schools, police officers, bus drivers, infrastructure, you name it.
TG: Pensions?
IRS: Touché. I’ll give you that one. But complain all you want – that stuff is necessary. Unless you’re super rich and your kids go to private school and you fly a private jet to work. But those assholes just get 15 percent on dividends, anyway.
TG: There’s been a lot of talk over the years that the IRS is corrupt. Is it true?
IRS: Let’s just say we’re loyal, and leave it at that.
TG: So you’re targeting conservative groups filing for tax-exempt status?
IRS: Watch it, kid.
TG: What are you gonna do, audit me?
IRS: (Grins.) Maybe.
TG: God, you really do have power. Do you audit people you have vendettas against often?
IRS: I have no idea what you’re talking about. It’s 100 percent random. Except for Mark Richardson. He pulled my gym shorts down in 10th grade, in front of the girl that I loved. Veronica. He’s been audited 16 times in the last 20 years. Karma’s a bitch, Mark!
TG: Well, he deserved it, then. Sixteen is kind of a lot, though–
IRS: –I audited Veronica, too. That stupid bitch laughed at my Star Trek underwear.
TG: You were wearing Star Trek underwear?
IRS: THAT’S BESIDE THE POINT.
TG: Okay, well I guess she kind of deserved it a little–
IRS: And I audited her entire family. And some of her extended family. And her 15-year-old nephew. He works at Stop-N-Shop after school. Part-time.
TG: See, this is what I mean by an abuse of power.
IRS: Please, you think it’s just me?
TG: No, I don’t actually. I’m guessing this whole IRS scandal with conservative groups is a similar situation? Obama’s a Democrat, they’re Republicans…
IRS: Uhhh, that? Nope, just mere coincidence. Everyone knows Republicans hate paying taxes. We like a challenge.
TG: Is there ever a way to beat the system and never pay taxes again?
IRS: Only dividends and death, kid.
TG: Ah, yes. I do have one last question, though. How did Apple avoid taxes? There was some talk of a loophole with Ireland’s tax policies?
IRS: Please. We let them slide, and only because everyone at the IRS has a man-crush on Steve Jobs.
TG: Makes sense. He’s definitely nerd hot. Like Adam Brody.
IRS: Exactly. Now enough of this idle chit-chat. Give me the goods on Bachmann.
TG: About that…
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