THE GABBLER

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Wednesday, December 31st, 2014

The Gabbler’s New Year’s Resolutions for 2015

What have we learned? What can we look forward to? What mistakes are we going to make, yet again? Racism is alive and real, so let’s work on that in 2015, America. Visit Cuba! Havana Nights, baby… Apply to Mars One. This planet’s toast, anyway. Don’t be a homophobe when hosting an international event that

Friday, November 21st, 2014

Don Lemon To Lead Women’s Self-Defense Class, With Emphasis on Penis-Biting

In an interview with Joan Tarshis, a woman who has come forward to accuse Bill Cosby of rape 45 years ago, CNN reporter Den Lemon made a revolutionary statement: “You know, there are ways not to perform...

Wednesday, September 17th, 2014

“I Was Born With 6 Toes! (Or How My 600-Word College Admissions Essay Will Set Me Apart From the Rest of the Global Competition)”

This fall, high school seniors all over the country are hard-pressed to come up with a college admissions essay that isn’t cliched, tired, or just plain boring. As colleges get more competitive and diverse, suburban white kids...

Wednesday, August 13th, 2014

We’ll Miss You, Robin Williams

Actor and comedian Robin Williams passed away on Monday, at the age of 63. We at The Gabbler would like to take a moment to remember some of his funniest moments on screen, the stage, and elsewhere....

Friday, August 8th, 2014

Walredwhiteandblues

WALREDWHITEANDBLUES: (wɔlrɛdwaɪtændbluz) The new official name for Walgreens due to their patriotic pride that caused the company give up a pretty sweet tax inversion to stay headquartered in the good ole US of A. “We’re more than...

Friday, July 25th, 2014

Bible Biz: God Bless America!

The following memo was sent to The Gabbler’s CEO. We’re currently in talks with Bible Biz to learn more about how finding religion can help us save more on our web hosting fees and boost ad revenue....

Tuesday, June 10th, 2014

iPhone Users: Enlightened Futurists or Antisocial Assholes?

Does having an iPhone make us better people, or does it just make us even lazier and less aware of our surroundings? POINT: “I Hate My iPhone, But I’ll Die Without It” I first realized that my...

Thursday, June 5th, 2014

J. Edgar Hoover Awakens From Dead: “I Can’t Take It Anymore, NSA!”

Former FBI director and famed snooper J. Edgar Hoover arose from his grave at the Congressional Cemetery in Washington, D.C. late yesterday morning, according to multiple eyewitnesses.  Scientists have confirmed that this is the first instance of...

Wednesday, May 14th, 2014

Soaptag

SOAPTAG: (soʊp tæg) A trending hashtag related to a political or social cause that a person uses to briefly indicate that they care deeply about said cause, before quickly getting back to their daily Buzzfeed quiz. “That’s so awful about...

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