October 7th, 2013
The State of the Union, According to Joe Six-Pack

In a period of government shutdown, when the political parties couldn’t be more polarized, we at The Gabbler turned to the one man who could speak for the average American citizen: Joe Six-Pack.

The Gabbler: Hey, man! Did you catch the game yesterday?

Joe Six-Pack: Hey. Which game?

TG: Oh, you know! THE game?

JSP: No, I don’t. There were a lot of football games on yesterday. Who do you root for?

TG: Um. The guys with the blue shirts? I don’t know, honestly. I’m just trying to play it cool, bring it down to your level.

JSP: Down to my level?

TG: You know, I’m trying to relate. Break it down so that the average blue-blooded Joe Six-Pack can understand. ‘MURICA!

JSP: So you really believe that the only thing I can talk about or relate to is football?

TG: No, not all all! We can talk about beer. But don’t worry – we won’t talk about those prissy “craft brews” or those gay pumpkin beers with the sissy sugar and cinnamon rims. We’ll talk straight Budweiser. There’s nothing like a cold brewski at the end of a long day, amIright?

JSP: Look, if I wanted to talk football and beer I’d talk to the folks over at Barstool. What do you want outta me?

TG: Honestly? We just wanted to hear more about the man behind the cardboard container of beer attached to his hip. We want to know who you are, what you’re thinking about, and how all of the things going down in the US affects you. In fact, I brought along a six-pack with me right now! I figure we’ll crack open a few of these babies and just let it all hang out, you know?

JSP: Well, first of all, I stopped drinking after the 2008 election.

TG: You did?

JSP: Yeah. I mean, everyone was all, “Joe Six-Pack this, Joe Six-Pack that” and I realized that being associated with a six pack of beer was probably a sign that I was drinking way too much. It was a rough time. My cousin, Joe the Plumber, was the one who really benefited from all the spotlight, not me. Plus, I obviously wasn’t thinking clearly if I didn’t have the sense to tell that Palin woman to go to hell when she kept referring to me during their campaign speeches.

TG: Because she’s just a woman, right?

JSP: No, because she’s an idiot. McCain made such a mistake with her. The same mistake you’re making right now, actually.

TG: What do you mean?

JSP:  You think I’m stupid just because I’m average.

TG: What? No, don’t! I’m sure you at least went to community college, right?

JSP: Yes, you do. You think I’m a cheap-beer guzzling, football watching, frozen meal eating, working class American with a salary under $100,000 whose only true loves are barbeque meats and my flat screen HDTV.

TG: But…aren’t you?

JSP: Yes, but that doesn’t mean I’m stupid. I may laugh at the fart jokes in Family Guy, but the satire isn’t lost on me, either.

TG: Of course! And who doesn’t enjoy the Stewie-Brian banter?

JSP: Exactly.

TG: Wow, we really do have something in common!

JSP: Look, I used to be much more hard-headed about things. I see that in you and I want to help.

TG: Me? Hard-headed? You’re the one who hates women and blacks and gays and helping people!

JSP: When in the heck did I ever say that? Look, just because I vote Republican doesn’t make me an evil person. I realize that some Republicans are bible-hugging morons or bigots, but there are plenty of Democrats who are just as awful people.

TG: So if a gay dude hit on you, what would you do?

JSP: What?

TG: Just answer the question. Gut reaction. Gay dude tries to make out with you. What do you do?

JSP: I don’t think anyone, gay or straight, just walks up to a person and tries to make out with them without even speaking to them. That’s like sexual assault or something.

TG: So would you punch him?

JSP: I’m about to punch you, honestly.

TG: I see. And how often do you hit your wife?

JSP: WHAT? Never! Look, I don’t care about whether gay marriage should be legal or not. Also, I don’t hate women. That’s not why I vote Republican.

TG: Okay, so what’s your opinion of this whole government shutdown thing?

JSP: I think they’re selfish cowards, all of them.

TG: Even Republicans?

JSP: Even Republicans.

TG: And what do you think about Obamacare in relation to all of this?

JSP: Look, it’s like when my wife makes me wear khakis and a shirt with all those damn buttons to have dinner at her grandparents – I don’t like being forced into anything. I get why so many people are calling it socialist. But it’s a separate argument from the budget, and people’s jobs are on the line. I may think that you’re a yuppie with baby-soft hands and a bleeding heart, but I respect your decisions if that’s what the majority agrees. That’s what America’s supposed to be about.

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