Ah, Cupid. Our favorite Greek god of erotic love, desire, and affection. With Valentine’s Day (Or for us single ladies, Galentine’s Day – thank you, Leslie Knope!) quickly approaching, we at The Gabbler thought it appropriate to interview Cupid on modern love, online dating, and his perfect V-Day date. Note to readers: Beware of Cupid’s stray arrows. We weren’t so lucky.
The Gabbler: Thank you for agreeing to meet with me, Cupid! I know it’s a little early for Valentine’s Day, but at the rate CVS is going, Valentine’s Day falls on January 2nd these days, anyway.
Cupid: I couldn’t agree more. It’s given me a lot of anxiety. Much less time to sharpen my arrows. Why can’t humans just live in the moment, instead of always pushing for what’s next?
TG: Sorry, man. To err is human, right? We’re not perfect deities like you.
C: Indeed you aren’t.
TG: So you’re the god of desire, love, and affection. Anything else?
C: Well, erotic love, to be specific. But no, nothing else.
TG: So how does being the icon of Valentine’s Day make you feel?
C: Like I should be getting royalties on quite a few Hallmark commercials, for one. Who can I talk to about that? But besides that? I mean the concept behind it is sweet, and it’s nice to have a holiday to celebrate romantic and erotic love, but I think it’s a classic case of materialism and media hype ruining a perfectly great tradition. God, I think this string is loose on my bow. Can you pass me one of my arrows?
TG: I agree! Like why do I have to call in sick to work every single year because I know that I’m the ONLY girl who doesn’t get flowers sent to the office? It’s not my fault that when I’m around boys I get extremely sweaty.
C: Aw, poor thing. Let’s get you some proper antiperspirant. Want me to shoot an arrow or two at anyone in particular? It looked like you were blushing pretty hard around that cute coffee barista the other day!
TG: Oh my god! That’s my little brother, you freak! He’s in college and working there part-time! Be careful where you point those arrows, psycho!
C: Oops! Sorry about that. I’ll refrain. Can I ask you why so many people choose to portray me as a fat naked baby all the time? Like my mom would have actually let me shoot arrows when I was a kid! God, this is so wobbly today– Woah, woah, WOAH! (Accidentally lets loose an arrow, straight into The Gabbler’s forehead. Quickly removes the arrow.) Shit.
TG: (Slumps over into love spell, then slowly opens her eyes.) I, uh, never thought about that. Yeah, she’d be a pretty shitty mom, then. But wait, I thought you were like one of those “primordial gods” – who basically just popped out of nowhere, right? Did I ever tell you your eyes are like warm pools of amber?
C: No, you didn’t. And that depends on whether you’re reading the Greek version or the Roman version. I still think of Aphrodite/Venus as my mom.
TG: Well, they are. I just can’t stop staring into your eyes. I have this sudden urge to strip totally naked and swim in them.
C: Let’s, er, hold off on that for now, please. Damn, I need to get better about my aim!
TG: (Giggles, and blinks repeatedly.) So Cupid, how do you define modern love?
C: As in The New York Times column? A little weepy, and a lot hipster.
TG: No, like actual modern love. As in love in modern times. Do you really believe in love at first sight? Because I think I do now.
C: It’s usually lust at first sight, not love. It’ll pass.
TG: Lust, love. You need lust for love. Let’s make love. What do you say?
C: Er, back to your question: I find love in the modern era to be complicated. And it’s lost a lot of its mystery. A lot of that I blame on social media and cell phones. Before those things, there was time between seeing or hearing from each other that allowed for anticipation and longing. Now, it’s so instant. Plus, there were a lot more steamy affairs. Now everyone tweets pictures of their dicks, and people tend to find out.
TG: That’s just Anthony Weiner. Most people are smart enough to use Snapchat nowadays. How are things with Psyche, by the way? Is that still going on? Or are you single?
C: Oh yeah, we’re great. Very much a couple. I’m very much taken. I finally admitted that refusing to turn the lights on was a manifestation of my own insecurity, and we got over that initial hiccup. Zeus made her immortal, and it’s all good. We even have a little baby goddess, Hedone.
TG: Congrats. (Sighs deeply.) I already knew that, though. I follow you on Instagram, and you post like a million baby pics a day.
C: Not even. Like 10 to 12, maximum. Just because I’m a god doesn’t mean I can’t embrace modern technology. I also have a lot of free time.
TG: God, you’re adorable. What a loving father. There’s nothing sexier than a man who’s good with kids.
C: Let’s talk about something else, please.
TG: Okay, okay. So tell me about OkCupid. What made you decide to invest in online dating?
C: It just made sense. I’m a big fan of social media, as you know. I’m a walking brand, so I knew if I put my name on it, it would sell. Plus, with all those ads and the ability to promote oneself on there now, it’s a big money maker. And of course, I thought it would be a fun, easy way to help hot people find other hot people to have sex with. Makes my job a lot easier.
TG: Isn’t that what Tinder and Grindr are for?
C: Tinder can get anyone laid. I don’t think their users are picky. They just want the nearest warm body at 4 am on a Tuesday. If they’ve got a decent face, bonus.
TG: You know, if we were on Tinder right now, I’d be the nearest warm body.
C: But we aren’t, are we?
TG: I mean, I could log on right now…
C: We’re in the middle of an interview. That’s a bit rude, don’t you think?
TG: Okay, okay. Be coy about it. I like coy. So what’s your idea of a perfect Valentine’s Day date?
C: Red roses, candles, a quiet restaurant, and garters.
TG: I love you.
C: Listen, you don’t! There was a bit of a mix up with my arrow; my bowstring was loose, and a stray one sort of hit you in the noggin. I was the first thing you saw. You don’t love me. NOW SNAP OUT OF IT!
TG: But I’d do anything for you. I want you to have me in this interview chair, right here, right now. (Stands up and starts to walk over to him.)
C: Oh, look at that! Emergency call. Jay-Z and Beyonce just had a tiff, and he needs me to shoot an arrow or two. I’ve got to go. You don’t want to be responsible for breaking them up, do you?
TG: (Sighs.) No, they were too cute at the Grammys.
C: Exactly. You have to let me go. As in, physically unhand me, please!
TG: Oh. Sorry.
C: (Flies away.)
TG: WAIT! BUT I LOVE YOU! WILL YOU BE MY VALENTINE?