The following is an excerpt from a forthcoming memoir entitled I’m Your Waitress and You’re an Idiot, written by Marie Mills, who worked as a waitress in several high-end restaurants and bars to put herself through college, graduate school, and law school.
You douche-bags may be too busy shoving free bread down your throat to realize it, but what you order to drink says a lot about you. In particular, it can make you look like either a suave, sexy adult – or a bumbling tween with your older sister’s ID. So, I’m about to do you a favor and tell you a few things you need to know before you go out and embarrass yourself, yet again. Whether it’s a date, after-work happy hour, or night out with friends, follow these rules and – who knows? – maybe you’ll order a semi-decent drink.
Beer:
When it comes to beer, it’s all about the right setting. If you’re going to a dive bar, by all means, slug back Bud Lights until you forget all about the unwashed taps and chlamydia-infested bathrooms. But if you’re going to sit and enjoy a beer at a high end bar, that shit don’t fly. If you’re a light beer drinker, opt for a pilsner or a pale ale. If you like Blue Moon – don’t you dare admit it. Instead, tell them you’re a big fan of the Belgian-style saison (say-zon) farmhouse ale. When it comes to IPAs and lagers, throw around words like “bitter,” “malty” and “hoppy.” You’ll fit right in with the other beer snobs. Also, fruit-flavored beer is for pussies.
Wine:
Perhaps the most pretentious of all liquor, wine can be intimidating. But it doesn’t have to be, if you follow a few simple rules. For whites: 1. White zinfandel isn’t wine. 2. Pinot Grigio is for middle-aged suburban moms. 3. Chardonnay is for grannies. If you want to play it safe, go for a Sauvignon Blanc. Use buzz words like “dry” and “crisp.” Or try something new, like a Reisling (it’s a little sweeter, but it’s delicious). If all else fails, order the bubbly. Classy bitches always drink bubbly.
For reds, as long as you can talk the talk, it doesn’t matter what you order. I find that if you say something along the lines of “Oh, yes, it’s quite smooth, with hints of spice and a dark fruit finish,” everyone nods and looks impressed. Bonus: to make someone else look like an idiot, ask them very seriously if they can taste the tannins.
Booze:
Don’t tell the Russians, but vodka is pretty lame. If you are over the age of 17, and you order a vodka cranberry, you’re a loser. And I hate to break it to you, but if you order a Cosmo, you’re more washed up than Kim Cattrall in SITC3. Try gin or whiskey. Both are delicious, and much more complex in taste. What is really in right now are classic cocktails: an Old Fashioned, a Manhattan, an Aviation, a Bee’s Knees. Note: if you don’t have a preference on the brand of alcohol, just say something like: “Do you have any small batch local <insert liquor type here>?” Boom. Now you look like you know what you’re talking about and you support local businesses. So trendy!
Above all else, always remember to tip your servers and bartenders a minimum of 35 percent. Any less and you just look like a cheap bastard, no matter how classy your beverage…
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