December 31st, 2014
The Gabbler’s New Year’s Resolutions for 2015

What have we learned? What can we look forward to? What mistakes are we going to make, yet again?

  1. Racism is alive and real, so let’s work on that in 2015, America.
  2. Visit Cuba! Havana Nights, baby…
  3. Apply to Mars One. This planet’s toast, anyway.
  4. Don’t be a homophobe when hosting an international event that showcases figure skating. (P.S. Johnny Weir stole the show, anyway.)
  5. Piss off North Korea and watch “The Interview.”
  6. Don’t take any flights that have anything to do with Malaysia, whatsoever.
  7. Don’t fall for ISIL’s recruitment ploys, even if they start liking your posts on Instagram.
  8. Don’t date a professional football player.
  9. Sign up for Obamacare? The site’s finally working, at least.
  10. Stop sending nudie pics – that includes Snapchat! If Katniss can get hacked, nobody’s safe.
  11. Stop having nightmares about catching Ebola and subsequently bleeding from your eyeballs.

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