March 21st, 2015
Where’s Putin Been: The Gabbler’s Top 10 Theories Of Varying Validity

  1. He was wrestling lions in Kenya. Note from the Kremlin press office: No lions were injured during the course of the fights. It was all in good fun, and they shared a few beers a topless bar after.
  1. He was shot 9 times by none other than American rapper 50 Cent. Putin lived, of course. 50 cent says that Putin now has his “respect.” Putin has decided not to press charges, because “the scars are badass.” 50 was relieved, and reportedly burst out into a new rap, “A bitch still can’t get a dolla outta me — but Putin might be able to get my money.”
  1. He was participating in an underground Judo competition in a seedy neighborhood in Tokyo. He won, using his signature move: HARAIGOSHI!
  1. He was posing shirtless in a new Chippendale’s calendar – for charity, of course.
  1. He fathered another child from a Russian ballerina, and was busy delivering the baby himself in St. Petersburg. He even cut the umbilical cord – with his teeth.
  1. He challenged Angela Merkel to a thumb-wrestling contest. She won. He will speak of this to no one, ever.
  1. He was filming a new action movie with Arnold Schwarzenegger. Production is stalled, however, because Sylvester Stallone threw a tantrum on set out of jealousy.
  1. He was gambling at the back room of the Red Square in Las Vegas to win back his country’s deficits.
  1. He was on a secret mission to find the missing Malaysia airline’s blackboxes –and then hide them again.
  2. He was hunting commercial airliners in eastern Ukraine again. (Too soon?)


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