THE GABBLER

January 9th, 2013
Do-it Date, Quentify, Suburbulosis

Do-it Date (dʊ ɪt deɪt):  The date upon which a baby is conceived through a specific, serendipitous act of sexual intercourse that results in the fertilization of an egg. Origin: Creepy paparazzi like TMZ who publically tried to pinpoint the exact date and place that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West conceived their baby-to-be. “So, when are you due?” “September 14th!” “Oh my god! So your do-it date was totally Valentine’s Day! SO romantic!”

 

Quentify (kwɛn tə faɪ): The act of making an otherwise boring story into an epic scene of a Quentin Taratino movie.

“So like, the librarian was saying that I owed a major surcharge on my calc book-”
“-This story sucks. Quentify it!”
“Okay, okay. So then, an I whip out a gun and point it at the chick’s face with my right hand, super casual-like, and I start writing out a check with my left. I look at her and say, ‘Hey, you gotta pen? This one’s dry as a bone.’ She’s trembling uncontrollably and sweat is pooling at her armpits and staining her turtleneck sweater. Then she says, ‘You know what, I-I can let this one go.’ Then, her colleague comes in and starts screaming. So I say, ‘Shhhhh! Ma’am, you’re going to have to keep it down. This may be college, but it’s still a library.’ ”

 

Suburbulosis (sʌb ɜrb yə loʊ sɪs): A disease, usually resulting in poor fashion choices and an affinity for chain restaurants that is contracted after spending too much time in a suburban community. “You know, I went to Applebee’s last night, and it really wasn’t bad!” “Dude. Get back to the city – now. You have clearly developed a severe case of suburbulosis.”

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