Author Archive

Monday, January 13th, 2014

The World’s Smartest, Handsomest Little Man Gets Rejected from UPenn

A recent study revealed that if your kids have low self-esteem, lavishing them with praise just makes is worse. In fact, it makes them less likely to accept challenges when given the option between a difficult assignment and an easy one. We were skeptical (since one Gabbler writer swears that praising her cat is what

Wednesday, January 1st, 2014

New Year's Revolution

New Year’s Revolution: A New Year’s resolution to completely overhaul all aspects of your sad, sad life. Usually abandoned by January 15th. This year I’m going to get in shape, find my dream job, meet my soul...

Monday, December 30th, 2013

Free Speech Violation #136: Man Fired for Calling Female Boss 'a Miserable C***'

The following news bulletin was posted on the website for the group First Amendmenters for Free Speech and Justice (FAFSJ), an organization devoted to the protection of free speech. This group was formed in response to the...

Monday, December 16th, 2013

I Thought I Understood Internet Headlines. But This List Changed Everything I Ever Believed.

Lately, Facebook newsfeeds have been blowing up with Upworthy and Viral Nova posts. These posts mainly consist of videos that inject the viewer with a nice shot of happiness or optimism that tends to wear off in...

Tuesday, December 10th, 2013

A 12 Days of Christmas Nightmare

This Christmas seasons, millions of adorable couples will express their love through thoughtful, romantic gifts. Unfortunately, though, some will fail miserably. As an example, The Gabbler presents to you the following email, forwarded to us by a girl...

Monday, December 2nd, 2013

Amazon Attachment Disorder

Amazon Attachment Disorder: the inability to log off of Amazon out of fear of missing a good 10 minute lightning deal.  It’s a pretty serious case of Amazon Attachment Disorder. She just canceled our anniversary so she could stay at...

Wednesday, November 20th, 2013

This Story Will Shock You So Much It Will Make You F****** Puke

Yesterday, the non-profit Americans Seeking Newsworthy Truth launched the free course “Bringing the Shock: How to Inspire Americans to Anger.” The course is aimed at “bringing honesty back to American journalism by exposing the rage-inducing truth.” “Too...

Friday, November 15th, 2013

The Black Friday Warrior Code

We’re only two weeks away from Black Friday, a holiday that celebrates American consumerism by convincing people to ditch their family’s Thanksgiving dinners in favor of saving money on HDTVs, iPhones, and designer clothes. While there have...

Monday, November 4th, 2013

So You’re a Disillusioned Obama Supporter

The following pamphlet, written by the award-winning team that brought you “Chlamydia Is NOT a Flower,” was commissioned by a group of progressive think tanks. In an attempt to do some damage control for President Obama’s spiraling...

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