We’re only two weeks away from Black Friday, a holiday that celebrates American consumerism by convincing people to ditch their family’s Thanksgiving dinners in favor of saving money on HDTVs, iPhones, and designer clothes. While there have been studies showing that Black Friday is not, in fact, the day when prices are at their all-time low (that honor goes to the two weeks before Christmas Day), many shoppers still take Black Friday very seriously, for the sport of it, if for nothing else. One of these Black Friday shoppers, known only as the Black Friday Warrior, has recently published what he terms “The Black Friday Warrior Code,” to guide the next generation of Black Friday shoppers. A complete version of the warrior code appears below.
For centuries, the warrior has stood alone as society’s protector. The great warrior classes, from the legendary Spartans, to the Knights of the Round Table, to the stoic Samurai, have all lived by the warrior code, binding themselves with vows of loyalty, selflessness, and bravery. And the modern-day Black Friday Warrior is no different. We may face stagnant wages, a steadily rising cost of living, and insurmountable unemployment, but for one 48-hour day a year, we can use our meager savings to buy a flat screen TV for almost 65 percent off the original price. This is our code.
- The Black Friday Warrior is a lone wolf. S/he (the Black Friday Warrior Code doesn’t discriminate based on gender. Bitches be shoppin, too) cannot be slowed down by the weaknesses of loved ones.
- The Black Friday Warrior is not afraid to hurt, maim, or kill in the name of savings. Mercy is for the weak.
- The Black Friday Warrior does not buy just ONE flat screen. You can sell them on ebay for a considerable mark-up after Cyber Monday.
- The Black Friday Warrior DOES NOT shop online. Filling up a cyber “cart” and “checking out” is nothing compared to the thrill of Black Friday battle; the wind in your hair as you rush through the opening doors, the crunch of a woman’s arm as she’s trampled beneath you.
- The Black Friday Warrior begins planning for next year on Small Business Saturday. Being a warrior is a year-long occupation.
- The Black Friday Warrior does not celebrate Thanksgiving. Feasts celebrate victories, they don’t precede them. And how are you supposed to get the 5pm doorbusters savings at Toys R Us if you’re busy eating turkey with your family?
- The Black Friday Warrior does not worry about “need” or “want” or even “who he will give a gift to.” He only knows the rush of the hunt, the deep discount, and the purchase. So what if you know no children and you end up with five Tickle Me Elmos?
- The Black Friday Warrior comes to the sale prepared. Comfortable shoes, snacks, ad circulars, and a heavy stick to beat away the competition for the iPads discounted 50 percent.
- When all else fails, the Black Friday Warrior remembers Yoda’s rallying cry. “Do or do not. There is no try.”