June 3rd, 2015
Jeb Bush Is Definitely Running for President. Here’s Why.

Memorial Day 2015 is over and that means only one thing: the November 2016 presidential election is basically here. Some claim that all candidates haven’t even announced themselves and that the official primary season doesn’t begin until the end of the year. But candidates are already crawling out of the woodwork and making their intentions known. Just last month, former Florida governor Jeb Bush declared his plans to run for half of a sentence before artfully backtracking. We at The Gabbler have since been carefully watching Bush’s movements, and through the latest technology (and some good old-fashioned in-person stalking), we were able to determine without a doubt that he plans on running. Below is a list of Jeb Bush’s latest actions, which prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that he will announce his candidacy soon.

-Went to the dry cleaner (preparing suits for announcement rally?)

-Had Sunday dinner with not one but TWO former presidents (Presidents George H.W. Bush and George W. Bush)

-Purchased a diet cookbook at the local bookstore (losing weight to look good in debates?)

-Chatted at length with bookstore salesgirl about local economy (trying to look “folksy” and “down-to-earth”)

-Went for a brisk walk with wife, forced her to use small hand weights the whole time (attempt to get “Michelle arms”)

-Attempted to kiss baby and puppy at ice cream shop (photo op, anyone?)

-As if that’s not evidence ENOUGH, quick hack of his personal computer also showed the following searches:

  • what is pinterest
  • will pinterest help me get the youth vote
  • will instagram help me get the youth vote
  • how to win elections with the twitter
  • do ladies really care that much about abortions
  • how to relate to youths
  • dramatic political slogan ideas
  • low fat slow cooker chili recipes
  • what dog do american voters like the most
  • hillary clinton pantsuit designer

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