THE GABBLER

Author Archive

Wednesday, September 4th, 2013

Reason behind Scott Brown’s Possible Campaigns Revealed by Internal Memo

An internal memo leaked to The Gabbler and written by Scott Brown to an anonymous campaign manager revealed that the true intention behind his recent campaign stops was to get a reality show. In recent weeks, experts have speculated that the former Cosmopolitan center-fold and Republican senator is considering running for governor of Massachusetts, a Massachusetts

Monday, August 26th, 2013

An Ode to Bermuda Shorts

For the past 16 months, The Gabbler’s Jessica Pierce has been living in Bermuda, best known for its pink-sand beaches and treacherous Triangle. On Wednesday, August 28th, she will be boarding her last Newark bound flight from...

Monday, August 19th, 2013

Please, Can We Stop?

Miley Cyrus’s music video for “We Can’t Stop” has been making headlines for showing the new, sexy, edgy side of the star. One 25- year-old, Jane Burton, had the misfortune of attending the party that inspired the...

Friday, August 9th, 2013

Millions of Americans Diagnosed with Post Snowden Anxiety Disorder

An estimated eight million Americans have been diagnosed with Post Snowden Anxiety Disorder since Edward Snowden first leaked to the press the existence of the National Security Agency’s surveillance programs, which log Americans’ phone and internet activity,...

Wednesday, July 31st, 2013

Pope Frankie

Pope Frankie (poʊp fræŋki): A nickname for someone who is expected to be stodgy and conservative, but who is totally chill. The stock broker I went out with last night is such a Pope Frankie! He served...

Monday, July 29th, 2013

We the People’s Dystopian Future

The following excerpt is from Johnny Savage’s first novel, We the People. Savage is the current Poet Laureate of the National Rifle Association and said he was inspired to write the novel after hearing about the possibility...

Monday, July 22nd, 2013

Preventing Your Untimely Death: a Primer

On June 18th, Michael Hastings, an investigative journalist best known for an explosive expose that lead to the resignation of General Stanley McCrystal in 2010, died in a single-vehicle crash in Los Angeles’ Hancock Park. His 2013...

Monday, July 15th, 2013

Campaign Ignore and Disdain, or, How to Win the War on the Homeless

In early January 2013, a homeless woman Suzanne Jensen was caught wandering around the supposedly impenetrable MacDill Air Force Base. Former Airman Thomas Johnson, a young Air Force recruit, was living and working on the base during...

Monday, July 8th, 2013

Pontificating Pete on Capital Punishment

After discovering that the state of Texas keeps an online, public record of the last statements of all executed death row inmates, The Gabbler read through a few of the 500 statements to see if there was...

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