July 15th, 2013
Campaign Ignore and Disdain, or, How to Win the War on the Homeless

In early January 2013, a homeless woman Suzanne Jensen was caught wandering around the supposedly impenetrable MacDill Air Force Base. Former Airman Thomas Johnson, a young Air Force recruit, was living and working on the base during the four month period that Jensen spent trespassing on the base. He has since been discharged from the Air Force and written an e-book, Campaign Ignore and Disdain, or How to Win the War on the Homeless, outlining his vision for America’s defense following this traumatizing event. Below is the book’s preface.

Thousands of lives hung in the balance. Millions, really. No, not millions. Billions. The whole world population stood threatened as a 50-year-old homeless woman curled up for the night inside a boat in MacDill Air Force Base. They’re on a boat. The terrorists, I mean. Just like that Tsarnaev boy.

Her name: Suzanne Jensen. She was a peculiar form of terrorist. Her primary weapon was a garbage can, dragged to the perimeter wall of the base and tipped over to form a makeshift ladder.

The garbage can. America’s perfect weapon. So unsuspecting, just sitting there on the softball fields, collecting refuse. But it’s so cold, so metallic. So hard and unforgiving when slammed onto the ground and climbed upon to scale walls into top secret military facilities. Also, I’m sure it would really hurt if someone threw one at you and it hit you in the face.

Over the years she had made a career of sorts, sneaking onto military bases in Virginia, North Carolina, and Florida. She’s been caught in MacDill four times. Ostensibly, she was just looking for a place to live. She played the poor, homeless vagabond card well, her eyes full of desolation.

But I, former Airman Thomas Johnson, saw through her mask into the darkness of her soul. She was a terrorist bent on destroying the United States of America, using her sophisticated knowledge of security systems to scale walls and invade military bases housing the top secret offices of U.S. Special Command.

My colleagues seem content to let her off with a warning, to satisfy themselves with an arrest and a judgment of time served. They seem happy to forgive and forget, to move on with their lives and laugh about the time that crazy homeless woman was found in the base’s gym.

But I know. I’ve seen the new face of the enemy, seen the next chapter of the War on Terror. As we wind down in Iraq and Afghanistan, we must redouble our efforts at home to fight the true threat to democracy and our lives: the homeless. They infiltrated the top levels of the government in an attempt to take down the United States. I was dishonorably discharged after revealing my knowledge of their plot to my superior, surely a homeless man himself.

The homeless aren’t just found in our military bases or undercover in our government and military, though. They’re everywhere. Go to any major city, look on the steps of any church there, on the benches of any bus station, in any park. Look at the lines winding blocks away from any homeless shelter at check-in time. Sometimes you can even smell them coming. The worst part, is that a good number of them are former military, veterans supposedly unable to adjust to civilian life. But I see through them. They’re converted terrorists, ready to take down the world’s greatest democracy.

That is why I, former Airman Thomas Johnson, am writing this book to propose our next war: the War on the Homeless. We, as a country, can win this war, with troops on the ground and hatred in our hearts. Our first campaign will be called Ignore and Disdain. It’s the Shock and Awe of 2013. The premise is simple: freeze them out. Turn them out of shelters. Turn them away from hospitals. Given them no shelter, no place to rest their head for even a single night. You’ll be surprised by how many drop from disease and starvation without any resources to feed and protect them. But, please, continue to Fitch the Homeless. Nothing marks an enemy combatant more clearly than a nice, comfy pair of Abercrombie & Fitch sweatpants.

So join me in this war, America. For the safety of your children, your husbands, your wives. We cannot let the homeless win the war.