The following pamphlet, written by the award-winning team that brought you “Chlamydia Is NOT a Flower,” was commissioned by a group of progressive think tanks. In an attempt to do some damage control for President Obama’s spiraling reputation following a series of political disappointments, it addresses the lost luster of the Obama brand and how to get it back. Unfortunately, though, the web designers for this project were suggested by the Obama administration, and so the site has been overloaded by the tens of people visiting it and is now down. The Gabbler has graciously agreed to host the pamphlet until the site’s technical issues have been fixed.
Were you once an enthusiastic Obama supporter, canvassing your neighborhood in support of the change we could believe in? Have you refrained from speaking with friends and family who were Republicans or, worse, Hillary Clinton supporters, since 2008 because they so sorely insulted your man Obama by not voting for him? Did you secretly touch yourself to the dulcet tones of both of Obama’s presidential election victory speeches?
Of course you did. Obama is the only shining beacon of progressive hope awash in the seas of partisan conflict. Or is he?
Lately, you may have noticed some chatter about red lines in Syria, the NSA spying on your every move and the every move of our allies abroad, the intimidation of journalists, and, of course, the Healthcare.gov issues and the millions who lost their insurance coverage thanks to the implementation of the Affordable Care Act.
You may even be saying to yourself, “Maybe Great Uncle Larry is right. Maybe Obama IS just a Muslim Communist who was sent by the terr’ists to kill us all with socialism.”
First of all, let’s be honest. Great Uncle Larry is never right. There’s a reason your family moved him from his rifle-filled shack in the woods into that nice nursing home where he met his bridge and life partner, Cammie. Let her take care of his angry, incoherent, political ramblings.
But what about more legitimate sources than Larry? What about the news sources that claim that Obama is dishonest, a liar? As if the man who promised that his 2008 presidential election would usher in an era of bipartisan compromise and unity could possible LIE to the American people!
Still, you’re having your doubts as the evidence mounts against Obama. But, don’t worry! We have some tips to restore your faith in our fearless, charismatic, dashingly handsome leader.
1.) Blame Republicans. They’re not playing nice and that’s not Obama’s fault. He can’t be expected to lead if Republicans just refuse to follow!
2.) Blame Congress. Remember that time they shut down our government, taking the whole country hostage to make a political point and didn’t even lose access to their gym? That wasn’t cool.
3.) Think Hillary 2016. Okay, okay. We know that in 2008 Hillary Clinton was just a shrill woman who wouldn’t know a good pantsuit if it hit her in the face. But since then she was brought into the Obama fold as Secretary of State. And she’s gotten so much cooler! Remember that time she got down with that singer at a diplomatic event in South Africa? Classic post-Obama Hillary!
4.) Stop reading the news. At this point, more information is bad information. If you need an Obama fix, go back and read some of his old speeches. But DO NOT turn on the news. You’ll only be disappointed.
Follow these four simple tips and soon you’ll be looking at Obama with the same starry-eyed gaze as you did back in 2008. Can we blindly support Obama through the rest of his presidency? Yes, we can!
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