October 30th, 2013
Fifty Shades of Disgusted: an Interview with My Library Copy of Fifty Shades of Grey

The whole internet is buzzing with the latest casting news for the highly anticipated movie version of Fifty Shades of Grey. So The Gabbler decided to go behind the scenes and interview the book behind the craze. We checked out a copy from our local library and sat down to interview him about the prestige of being one of the best-selling books of all time and the literary value and meaning behind the Fifty Shades trilogy.


The Gabbler: It’s so great to meet you Fifty Shades of Grey! (Tries to shake hands.)

Fifty Shades of Grey: I don’t think you really want to touch that…I’m a library copy, after all.

TG: What do you mean?

FSOG: I just mean, that well, a lot of lonely women have checked me out the library, and well, sometimes when they read me, they um, well, they touch…

TG: Oh God! Gross! Yeah, let’s just settle for a nice wave, shall we?

FSOG: That’s probably for the best.

TG: Let’s just dive right into things, then. This book that you have the privilege of being, this remarkable work of literature, it’s just so…deep. Do you think that Anastasia’s struggle to love Christian is a metaphor for the struggle of a young person to succeed in the pleasurably painful modern world or more of an allegory for Eve’s struggle to get down with the serpent?

FSOG: Ummm, I don’t think Eve “got down” with the serpent. I think he just gave her an apple. Also, I’m not sure I’m what you would call a “work of literature,” exactly.

TG: So you’re more of a poetic treatise? An artistic abstract expression of what it means to be a lonely being in the chaotic universe of your mind, looking for your kindred spirit to fill up your soul with purpose and spankings?

FSOG: I think I’m mostly just poorly written erotica that is somehow acceptable for middle-aged women to read. But kudos on fitting being, mind, spirit, and soul all into one weird metaphor that barely made any sense.

TG: Thanks, I think? Wow, this interview is going as poorly as that time that Anastasia Steele interviewed Christian Grey. But then, wait, then does that mean we’re going to, you know (winks) afterwards?

FSOG: Absolutely not. And not just because I’m due back at the library today.

TG: Ouch. You know, I may not be some innocent little college senior, but I’ll let you know many an inebriated man has only half regretted the decisions he made with me the night before, so…

FSOG: Congratulations? Especially on the correct use of the word “inebriated.” Seems like a word that’s a bit out of your vocabulary range, really.

TG: (Shrugs.) One of the inebriated men was an SAT prep tutor. I checked out the flash cards on his desk after he fell asleep. But thanks.

FSOG: Well, that’s one way to grow a young mind, I suppose.

TG: So, you really don’t want to get into the nitty gritty of the story? Like, the deeper meaning of the shade concept? Or how about the foil of the subconscious to Ana’s inner goddess?

FSOG: No. There is no deeper. There are no foils. There is only the incredible overuse of the phrases “holy crap,” “holy shit,” and “holy cow.” And the rather unfortunate turn of phrase “he’s my very own Christian Grey flavored Popsicle.”

TG: Ooo, let’s talk about that. What do you think she means by “my very own Christian Grey flavored Popsicle.”

FSOG: Perhaps it’s best if you ask the SAT prep tutor, dear. I’m sure he could help you out with that one.

TG: (Taking notes and whispering.) Ask SAT prep tutor about Popsicle flavors. Okay, well, let’s maybe talk about your origins, about your hopes and dreams.

FSOG: Well, I come from Maine, as do the majority of Fifty Shades books. Over 3,000 tons of paper were processed in the small town of East Millinocket just to make Fifty Shades available to Americans in print form.

TG: You must have been so happy to become such a great book!

FSOG: Well, not exactly. Since I was just a little sapling, I’ve wanted to become a book. You know, some trees grow their whole lives just to become the cardboard that encloses a box of Imodium. I never thought I would be jealous of those trees, but this book is so…

TG: Fantastic? Inspiring? Life-affirming? Sexy?

FSOG: Awful. I had dreams of one day becoming a hardcover, signature edition of Leaves of Grass, by Walt Whitman. You know, “I sing the body electric” and all.

TG: Isn’t that a Lana del Rey song? Yeah, I think it is! I love that song!

FSOG: Seriously? I’m now beginning to see why you’re a Fifty Shades fan…

TG: Thanks! It’s a pretty fantastic read. And thanks for meeting with me today. I’m looking forward to coincidently running into you in the giant Portland area hardware store where I work. (Winks.)

FSOG: For God’s sake, child, this is NOT Fifty Shades of Grey in real life! And I am NOT Christian Grey.

TG: Whatever you say, Fifty Shades. I’m just saying, my inner goddess knows how to salsa dance, too.

FSOG: I’m going to go, now. You know how the library can be such a stickler about due dates and fines and all.

TG: Laters, baby.

FSOG: No…just, no.

Comments are closed.