THE GABBLER

Author Archive

Thursday, June 21st, 2012

Presenting Philip Seymour Hoffman's Death of a Stage Actor

The following email was sent from Philip Seymour Hoffman’s private gmail account to Andrew Garfield. The two recently starred in the Broadway revival of Death of a Salesman. While both received Tony nominations for their roles as Willy Loman (Hoffman) and Biff Loman (Garfield), neither won the award. Hoffman lost to James Corden of One

Tuesday, June 19th, 2012

Doting-Divorced-and-Guilty-First-World-Upper-Class-Father Problems, Gleetastic, Sand Crotch

Doting-divorced-and-guilty-white-first-world-upper-class-father problems (doʊtɪɳ dɪ’vɔrsd ǣnd gɪlti waɪt fɜrst wɜrld ʌpər klɑs fɑɵər prɒbləms): Problems related to being an overindulgent father. Especially afflicts divorced fathers. Daughter said “da-da” for the first time and smiled. Put my entire life savings...

Tuesday, June 12th, 2012

New Diet Pill Eats Away Fat, Insecurities, Limbs

The following is an excerpt from an elaborate advertising campaign for the new diet pill EatAway, which was recently pulled from shelves by the FDA after several users were admitted to the hospital with an antibiotic resistant...

Tuesday, June 5th, 2012

Clinton Campaigns for Romney at Obama Fundraising Event

Yesterday, during a Barack Obama fundraising gala held at the Waldorf Astoria in New York City, Bill Clinton gave a speech in which he highlighted all of Republican nominee Mitt Romney’s advantages over President Obama. Clinton, who...

Thursday, May 31st, 2012

Married White Male Seeks Single White Female for Plural Marriage, Financial Support

The following is the uncovered Ok Cupid profile of Nephi Jessup, a Fundamentalist Mormon currently on trial for Felony Polygamy. Jessup was arrested this past February by police at his Hildale, Utah residence where he lives with...

Thursday, May 24th, 2012

Abraham Lincoln”s Ghost Weighs in on Obama’s Motives (Also, Vampire Movies)

The Gabbler recently had the privilege of sitting down and speaking with Abraham Lincoln’s ghost, who’s on a promotional tour for his new movie Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. Lincoln’s ghost served as a consultant for the film,...

Tuesday, May 22nd, 2012

If I Did Cut It (Here’s How It Happened)

The following excerpt is from GOP presidential nominee Mitt Romney’s latest memoir, titled Foundations of Excellence. The memoir deals exclusively with Romney’s time at the prestigious Cranbrook School in Bloomfield, Michigan and will be published in late...

Monday, May 14th, 2012

First Child Raised Using Attachment Parenting to Graduate from College in July

Donald Lakeman, the first child reared using the then-revolutionary technique of attachment parenting, will receive his bachelor’s degree in psychology from the University of Phoenix in July at the age 47. Attachment parenting, which recently made headlines...

Monday, April 30th, 2012

Huntsman Recants Earlier Comments Comparing the GOP to Chinese Communist Party

Former GOP candidate Jon Huntsman released a video today from an undisclosed location, taking back comments he made to a reporter during an appearance at Manhattan’s 92nd Street Y in which he compared the current GOP party...

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