The Gabbler recently had the privilege of sitting down and speaking with Abraham Lincoln’s ghost, who’s on a promotional tour for his new movie Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. Lincoln’s ghost served as a consultant for the film, coming out this summer, and even has a producer credit. President Lincoln gave us his thoughts on vampires, Obama’s support for gay marriage, and the recent Secret Service scandal.
The Gabbler: Well, thank you for joining us President Lincoln. First things first. Tell me about your new movie.
Abraham Lincoln: Ah, well it’s a hilarious romp, filled with action and ghoulish figures. Much better than that Our American Cousin play. Not that I was able to fully enjoy it much after intermission, if you understand me. But this movie is just wonderful. I just simply had to become involved, so I contacted the director, Timur Bekmambetov, one night as he was falling asleep. At first he seemed loath to believe in my existence, but this is a man who makes vampire movies for a living, so he very quickly accepted my proposal.
TG: And I just have to ask, how much of the movie is based on fact?
AL: Almost none of it, my dear. Vampires are not real. The only bridge to immortality is the ghoulish life of a ghost. Although with the way America is moving forward, maybe we will create vampires soon. With a Negro president only 143 years after the ratification of the Thirteenth Amendment outlawing slavery, anything’s possible. Even vampires.
TG: You know, President Lincoln, you’re often ranked as the single greatest president in the history of the United States. You almost always rank in the top three. Given your incredible success as a president, how do you think President Obama is doing?
AL: Well I thank you for giving me such high praise. I think that, for being a Negro, President Obama is faring reasonably well. Although this recent debacle over homosexual marriage did prove worrisome.
TG: Are you against gay marriage?
AL: Oh no, no, no! Of course I’m very much in support of it. I’m sure you have heard of my close, special relationship with my friend Joshua Speed. That man could comfort me in ways that not even Mary Todd could. The problem is the way President Obama presented his support for homosexual union, as if he was ideologically in favor of the idea. He is not. It is very obvious, by his manner of being that the man never spent four years sharing a bed with a fellow strapping, young man, the way Joshua and I did. No, he is simply politically in favor of the idea, of the votes and campaign donations given by the homosexual community and their friends.
TG: That’s very interesting, because many people are comparing him to you, comparing his support of gay marriage to your abolition of slavery.
AL: Well that is truly preposterous. I abolished slavery for two reasons: one, to weaken the Southern enemy and two, to win reelection in 1864. It was first a military and then a political decision. And unlike President Obama, I never pretended to be ideologically in favor of abolishing slavery. I was always honest. Do my motivations really matter, though? Is a Negro not a president instead of a field hand because of what I did?
TG: That’s very true. So you don’t think a politician’s motivations matter?
AL: No. What matter are the laws. Should homosexuals be able to marry, it would not matter if that law came about simply because President Obama lost a gentleman’s duel with Vice President Joe Biden. They would still be able to enjoy the moody, shrill hardship that makes up marriage, in my experience. I simply believe that President Obama should be more forthcoming about his motivations.
TG: Very interesting. You also expressed some interest, prior to the interview, in discussing the recent Secret Service scandal. As a president whose security ultimately failed him, what are your thoughts on what happened in Columbia?
AL: Ah, well that’s just hogwash. The gentlemen try to enjoy themselves before the president even arrives, a mile away from the president’s future location. That was very acceptable behavior, in my mind. As a Negro, I would expect President Obama to be more understanding of succumbing to a libidinous call. Instead, though, there’s a scandal, as if anyone’s security was compromised. My personal bodyguard actually left me unattended to have some drinks with a gentleman acquaintance, and do you know what happened? I got shot in the head. Saved me from having to figure out that whole Reconstruction nonsense.
TG: So you believe that people are overreacting?
AL: Of course. In the 1800s, men were men. We didn’t deprive our bodyguards of the pleasure found in a woman’s arms and we certainly didn’t whine when alcohol or whores prevented them from protecting us from Booth’s bullet.
TG: Well, it’s certainly been lovely talking with you, President Lincoln. Thank you so much for speaking with me today.
AL: Thank you. And don’t forget, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunters in a theater near you, Summer 2012.