May 22nd, 2012
If I Did Cut It (Here’s How It Happened)

The following excerpt is from GOP presidential nominee Mitt Romney’s latest memoir, titled Foundations of Excellence. The memoir deals exclusively with Romney’s time at the prestigious Cranbrook School in Bloomfield, Michigan and will be published in late August. In this Gabbler exclusive excerpt, titled “If I Did Cut It (Here’s How it Happened)” Romney outlines the hypothetical circumstances of an alleged bullying incident in which Romney had peer John Lauber pinned down while he cut off Lauber’s hair. Romney still officially denies any memory of such an event occurring.

Recently, the liberal media has taken to discussing an alleged bullying incident from my days at Cranbrook. I have no recollection of ever bullying anyone, not even homosexuals, Jews, or liberals. Still, no one seemed to take “I don’t remember that” as a straight answer and kept on talking about how I had cut the hair of a fellow student and what that might mean about my ability to run this great nation.  Well, if I did cut it, here’s how it happened, and why it shows what an excellent leader I am.

I had just returned to school from a three week long spring vacation, which I had spent decrying the evils of universal health care and high income taxes to anyone who would listen, because I’ve always believed that those two things are awful, even when I was 17. I was walking around campus, catching up with my fellow Crannies and telling them about how horrible universal health care is, when I spotted him: John Lauber. I had always known that he was softer, a little too eager to flip his wrists in excitement, if you know what I mean. (He was a flamboyant, flaming homosexual; that’s what I mean.)

But today there was something more, something flaming up the beautifully manicured lawn: his hair. Bleached blonde, grown long over his eyes. He looked like a fruitcake. And not the delicious kind of fruitcake that my Nanna used to make for Pioneer Day. The homosexual kind of fruitcake. It was unacceptable.

I said so to a fellow Crannie, Matthew Friedmann, telling him that it was wrong for Lauber to disgrace our school with such a flamboyant expression of self. Something along the lines of “He can’t look that fruity. It’s just wrong.”

So Friedmann and I plotted. We had to bring honor back to Cranbrook. This was a prestigious school, where very, very straight men blossomed and grew through rigorous course work, intense study, and the occasional pillow fight. I couldn’t let Lauber fruit the place up with his unruly mop of blonde hair.

The plotting didn’t take very long. The plan was simple: a few guys would hold him down and I would cut off his hair. Show him who was truly boss. Some of my Crannies thought it was “too extreme” and that maybe we should just write “faggot” on his notebooks. But I don’t go in for that kind of derogatory language, never have, never will, that’s just the kind of strong moral compass I have.

Eventually, though, I convinced them, and I led them to do it, led them to hold down that squirming homosexual while I cut off his sorry excuse for hair. And see, this is where we get to the moral of the story. Much like many of today’s Democrats in Congress don’t want to cut taxes for millionaires or to balance our budget by cutting entitlement spending, these boys did not want to pin Lauber down while I cut his hair. But I led them, using the proper combination of intimidation and charisma. Because I am a leader. It’s just what I do. I could do it then, and I can do it now with Congress. This theoretical bully incident just proves it.

Not that I remember a thing. Like I’ve always said, I have no recollection of this supposed assault. This is just a writing exercise, a short story not at all based on any facts that I personally remember. It’s just hypothetical; if I did cut it, that’s how it would have happened.