The following is an excerpt from an elaborate advertising campaign for the new diet pill EatAway, which was recently pulled from shelves by the FDA after several users were admitted to the hospital with an antibiotic resistant strain of flesh eating bacteria. In at least one reported case, the patient has entered a coma from which she has not yet emerged.
Tired of chowing down on raw carrots after a five mile run only to gain a pound from that bite of cheesecake you snuck at your friend’s barbeque the day before? Sick of fleeing from the tempting smell of bacon like your best friend Brittany flees from the smell of her douchey but hot ex-boyfriend’s Axe body spray? Well we have the solution for you!
Presenting EatAway, from the makers of LactateAway, the revolutionary pill that gave you all the calorie-burning benefits of lactation without the side effect of a screaming infant. The EatAway program is an easy-to-use system consisting of just two pills a day: a patented strain of necrotizing fasciitis that specifically targets the user’s fat cells and a mild antibiotic that kills any remaining bacteria before it gets to your lean muscle tissue.
The science is simple: just take the BacPill once a day and good bacteria will travel through your blood stream until it gets to those traditional trouble areas (abdomen, thighs, butt, you name it!) and begins to feast on your fat cells, even as you feast on a bacon cheeseburger and fries. Then, before you go to bed, take the AntiBacPill, which will kill any bacteria remaining in your system before it gets to your muscle and skin. Repeat daily until you have the body of your dreams.
But don’t just take our word for it. Here are some glowing reviews from our trial run:
“EatAway didn’t even give me my high school body back, it gave me the body I wished I had in high school! And I didn’t have to give up any food or lift a finger to exercise. I spent the whole time eating doughnuts and watching reruns of Grey’s Anatomy and I still lost 20 pounds!”-Jane, 34
“I’m a mother of four and I never thought I would be able to get my pre-pregnancy body back so that I could really enjoy time with my boys. But thanks to EatAway, I ate whatever I wanted and still lost weight! Now I have the body I need to lay outside on a lawn chair in a bikini while my boys run around our front yard—you know, quality family time. Thanks EatAway!”-Sophie, 36
“Before EatAway, I was just a shy virgin. No boys would even bother looking at my 300+ pounds, let alone sleeping with me. But ever since I lost over 150 pounds, thanks to a six month regimen of EatAway, men approach me all the time. I’ve already slept with 15 different men! They really love me for me; I can tell by the way they say, ‘Baby, you’re so hot.’ You only call a woman ‘baby’ if there’s a profound emotional connection, right?”-Tara, 24
Those are just three of many such reviews proving the effectiveness of EatAway. So, give it a try! Eat away with EatAway and still lose!
Customers reimbursed for product reviews. Product not evaluated by Food and Drug Administration. DietAway Inc. not liable for any side effects including, but not limited to: muscle atrophy, gangrene, constipation, diarrhea, sterility, and uncontrollable bacterial infection.