When The Gabbler sat down with The Grammar Nazi this week, we expected to learn a lot about grammar, and we hoped to find out why people insist on calling him a name with such a negative, horrific connotation. He just enjoys a good parallel structure and noun-verb agreement when it comes to the English language. But the conversation took a turn for the worse, and once we were attacked viciously on our own turf, we knew we had to do something…
The Gabbler: Good Morning, Mr. Grammar -ah- Nazi? Is it really okay to call you a Nazi?
Grammar Nazi: Actually, it’s incredibly offensive, and I’d rather you didn’t. I’m not a Nazi – I’m just detail-oriented and particular. I have no idea where the name came from, and I’ve been fighting it my entire life. I love Jewish people. Their grammar is often impeccable! I harbor no ill-will toward anyone, except the inventor of the word “LOL.” It’s a really hurtful nickname, and I don’t understand how it started. By the way, you don’t capitalize the “m” in “morning.”
TG: Oh, so sorry! You’re the expert, of course. I can’t believe I already made a mistake. So how did you get so interested in grammar? Did you study it in school?
GN: I did. I was one of those children who read the dictionary. That is, until I discovered the Chicago Manual of Style. I was seven. I still remember the smell of dust and ink when I cracked it open for the first time. It’s my bible. I get the newest version every week. But back to your erroneous capitalization: it’s a common misconception, but the “m” in “Good morning” should not be capitalized. Unless, of course, it’s a title, such as “Good Morning America.”
TG: Oh. Okay. Yes, well thank you. I’m so sorry about that. Uh, I knew I’d learn a lot today! If I was more like you—
GN: Were.
TG: What?
GN: If you were more like me. You’re using the subjunctive tense there. It’s a common misconception.
TG: Oh, wow. Gosh, I’ve literally said that millions of times and no one’s ever bothered me about that before. So… thank you?
GN: Literally? That’s another common misconception, my dear. “Literally” pertains to something that is actually a literal statement, rather than a figurative statement. Have you truly said that phrase a million times?
TG: I mean, probably not exactly a million, but like, cut me some slack here, okay? I’m just trying to talk to you casually, get to know you, figure out why people call you a “Nazi.” (barely audible) …though I’m starting to get it…
GN: Listen, I know that you’re speaking colloquially, but I cannot stand discourse particles. Do you mean to sound like a silly young valley girl?
TG: What the hell is a discourse particle?
GN: It’s a filler. It’s a word you say when you have nothing else to contribute; a non-word to fill up the empty space of your mind. In this case, it’s “like” and “um.” “Ummmm, like I don’t, like, know what you’re, like, talking about!”
TG: Okay, I know don’t sound like that. I pride myself on being pretty articulate, actually. But fillers, I can’t help it, okay? You’re making me second-guess myself, and I feel a little flustered! And frankly, I could care less about—
GN: I take it you mean couldn’t care less?
TG: STOP IT! Are you really like this every day? With everyone?
GN: Yes. It’s my duty. I’m one of the last bulwarks from the encroaching mediocrity of the English language. I am the knight of the word, and the pen is mightier than the sword! There is, however, a price to pay for the never-ending battle of grammar: it’s a lonely life. I don’t have many friends anymore. My wife left me for an illiterate mechanic a few years ago. She said she couldn’t handle any more lectures about subject case pronouns, so she took our pet cat, Modal, and left. On her way out, she used the incorrect past participle for “write” – it’s “written,” people – so I had to correct her. I couldn’t just let that go! Then she started screaming at the top of her voice: “Me and him had sex! Me and him had sex!” I covered my ears and curled up into the fetal position until she finally stopped and left.
TG: Oh, my god, that’s terrible. I can’t believe she rubbed her relationship in your face like that! I’m so sorry for getting frustrated with you—
GN: It’s wasn’t the talk of sex that was so horrifying. I’m not a prude. It was her deliberately incorrect use of object pronouns. “Me and him”? She knew it was “him and I.” I know she knew! I’d told her a million times. And see what I did there? See that? That’s hyperbole. No use of the word “literally” in sight.
TG: Mr. Grammar Nazi, I get that you resent the term “Nazi,” but you do have a problem. You can’t resist correcting people’s grammar. It’s gotten to the point where your own wife has—
GN: –It has got to the point! It’s a—
TG: Common misconception?
GN: Exactly!
TG: You need to relax. Correcting everyone all the time is just exhausting. Thinking about it, I feel like you need to see the positives in people—
GN: AHH! Attack of the gerunds! You really should not start sentences with gerunds, my dear. It’s unsightly. It’s popular with young, inexperienced writers, but it’s another—
TG: COMMON MISCONCEPTION?
GN: Well, yes.
TG: Grammar nazi, you need to stop!
GN: Now see, there, you should capitalize the “N” in “Nazi” because it’s part of a proper noun—
TG: If you don’t stop, I’m going to be forced to do something terrible. You are becoming a person that no one can deal with!
GN: Now, now. Just because you’re getting a little defensive, doesn’t mean you need to go around ending sentences with prepositions. Let’s not get carried away here! It’s a common—
TG: THAT’S IT! Remember, you brought this upon yourself, you Grammar Nazi! (Takes a deep breath.) I AIN’T NEVER GONNA GO TO THE STORE! I DON’T KNOW NOTHING! I WON’T GO NOWHERE!
GN: STOP! PLEASE, STOP! NO MORE DOUBLE NEGATIVES! I CAN’T TAKE ITTTTT!
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