After discovering that Iran has finally come to terms with its drinking problem, The Gabbler’s Lisa DeBenedictis sat down with the country for a very sobering interview.
Lisa DeBenedictis: Thanks for meeting with The Gabbler, Iran.
Iran: Thank you for having me.
LD: I believe that you mentioned that there was something you wanted to say?
I: Yes. (Takes a deep breath.) My name is Iran, and I am an alcoholic.
LD: I’m proud of you, buddy. That took a lot of guts.
I: Thank you. You’re very kind, for a woman.
LD: Gee, thanks.
I: You’re welcome!
LD: Iran, why was it so difficult for you to admit your issues? Many countries have similar problems.
I: Well–
LD: France is a total wino, for one. Russia kicks back vodka like it’s apple juice. In Germany, beer is cheaper than water. England and Ireland are both probably out on a three day bender right now – but hopefully not at the same bar!
I: Yes, I–
LD: And don’t even get me started on those Eastern European countries. I went out with them once. Only once. Woke up two days later in a village in rural China with half my head in dreadlocks and a really nasty rash on my neck. Of course, they thought it was hilarious. But you try eating stuffed cabbage when you’re hungover. It’s not pretty.
I: It sounds to me like you may have a drinking problem yourself.
LD: Iran, please. This is about you. Answer my question.
I: It was difficult because drinking alcohol is forbidden in Islam. I am a Muslim country, so not only have I let myself down, I have let Allah down, as well. (Begins to sob loudly.)
LD: Iran! Please don’t cry. It makes me feel awkward and uncomfortable. None of us are perfect. Every country has done some pretty horrible things. The first step to change is admitting you have a problem, right?
I: That’s what AA says.
LD: See?
I: I’m just so ashamed. Seriously, I’d stone myself if I could.
LD: Really? I thought you guys only stoned adulterous women.
I: If that were the case, I would have stoned you already, Miss Tank Top and Short-Shorts.
LD: I was thinking maybe chapstick, a few bucks. A snack?
I: Nope. I’ll try the chapstick idea, though. I hate chapped lips in the desert.
LD: You’re welcome. Well, let’s get back to the topic at hand, Iran. Why do you drink?
I: Why does anyone drink? Extreme poverty, ongoing wars, oppression, censorship, jacked up prices on mutton. I drink because I’m unhappy. And I’m unhappy because I drink.
LD: What are you, my sponsor?!
I: I would be honored.
LD: I appreciate it, but with all due respect, Iran, I’m fine.
I: What is the name of the great river that flows through Egypt?
LD: Do you think just because I’m American I’m bad at geography or something?
I: Yes. And it’s called “De-Nile.” Get it? The Nile, de-nial.
LD: Hil-arious. So, what’s your drink of choice?
I: Well, I used to like moonshine with a little almond milk, but then I lost the vision in my left eye. Now I’d say a nice Turkish beer and a few shots of aragh sagi.
LD: Isn’t that liqueur made from raisins?
I: Yes, but when you make it in a bathtub, it tastes more like brake fluid with a hint of liquorice.
LD: Sounds delicious. Shall I ask the bartender for a round?
I: That’s it. You’re going in for a lashing. NOW.
LD: See, why do you gotta criminalize me like that?
I: One, I’m a Muslim country. And two, I think the U.S. is too busy with its own War on Drugs to worry about criminalization.
LD: Touché.
I: Not to be confused with your war in Iraq, of course. Or the one in Afghanistan. And weren’t you thinking about bombing me? I can’t keep track anymore.
LD: Iran, don’t be like that–
I: –Oh, put a burqa on it.
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