May 25th, 2012
In their First Interview Ever, Jolie-Pitt Kids Finally Talk. A Lot. Like, A LOT.

The Gabbler sits down with the stunning, cosmopolitan, and above all, enigmatic Jolie-Pitts: Maddox, Zahara, Pax, Shiloh, Knox, and Vivienne, the six children of famed actors Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. The bright eyed siblings are full of passion and zest as they discuss their thoughts their parents’ recent engagement, global conservationalism, and the fluidity of gender roles. Or maybe it was just all the coffee we gave them. Oops!

Gabbler: Thank you all so much for meeting with The Gabbler tonight. Traditionally, the six of you have shied away from the press, but I’m really hoping that I can get inside the minds of you such intriguing young people, and that we can really talk in depth about some important issues and events that you feel passionately about –

Shiloh: –Can I have a different chair, please? My feet don’t touch!

Vivienne: Do you have any candy?

Gabbler: Uh…we’ll see what we can do about that chair. No, unfortunately we don’t have candy. Coffee?

Maddox: She’s three.

Gabbler: Hmm. I do believe we have a mocha flavored light roast. We could add some sugar, perhaps?

Maddox: Um–

Vivienne: –Can I just have plain sugar, please?

Pax: Vivie! Mom would kill you!

Gabbler: (Tosses several sugar packets her way.) Okay, let’s get started. Of course, there’s a huge elephant in the room here, so let’s get that over with first: tell me about your parents’ engagement! Are you all excited?


Knox: (starts to cry) I hate ephelants.

Maddox: It’s el-eh-phant, Knoxy.

Shiloh: Are you really crying? You’re such a girl!

Pax: You’re the girl.

Shiloh: Am not!

Gabbler: There–there is no actual elephant. It’s an expression. But, if we’d like to start with conservationalism and endangered animals, you could certainly begin with your foundation, Maddox. Tell me, has the Maddox Jolie-Pitt Foundation’s grassroots partnership with local leaders and governments in Asia proved challenging?

Maddox: I dunno.

Gabbler: Why?  Has the government corruption made communication with those on the ground difficult of late?

Pax: Shh! Knox is trying to sleep!

Gabbler: Oh! Is he actually comfortable under the table like that?

Maddox: Pax! Um, Mr. Interviewer, he’s fine, just let him sleep. But I don’t know stuff about the foundation. Grownups do that, I think.

Gabbler: It’s actually “Ms.” My sock bun might be a little tight today–

Vivienne: Mommy and Daddy don’t let us near the foundation!

Gabbler: Why? Do you think they could be embezzling funds?!

Pax: It’s ‘cause the workers are still building stuff for one of our houses. Dad says the foundation isn’t safe to play near.

Gabbler: Interesting. A euphemism, perhaps?

Pax: Yeah, like with cement, you can fall and crack your head open. Bloody guts everywhere!

Zahara: Ew! You’re gross.

Gabbler: Right. Okay then. Well, back to the wedding! So, your parents have said in the past that they won’t get married until gays have the right to marry, as well. Shiloh, you probably have a lot to say about this. Would you like to start?

Shiloh: I can throw a wiffle ball faster than Pax.

Pax: Nuh-uh.

Shiloh: Yeah-huh.

Zahara: Yeah-huh she can! Dad timed it!

Gabbler: Well, I’m catching what you’re throwing here Shiloh, if you know what I mean. But, let’s try to steer clear of the ol’ softball stereotypes, shall we?

Pax:  Mister, what’s a stereotype?

Gabbler: I’m not a “Mister.” I’m a “Miss.”

Shiloh: You can be a “Mister” if you want. You look  kinda like a “Mister.”

Gabbler: You know, just because I maybe dress a little masculine and wear my hair away from my face, doesn’t make me a man.

Pax: Yeah-huh it does.

Gabbler: No, it does not.

Zahara: Yeah-huh!

Gabbler: NUH-UH! Ahem. I mean: no, it doesn’t.

Shiloh: It doesn’t?

Gabbler: Well–

Knox: (Wakes up.) WHERE IS THE EPHELANT?

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