After she was caught breaking and entering a house in Ohio with the sole intention of cleaning it, police and civilians alike were baffled by the motivations of the woman they soon came to call “The Cleaning Fairy.” Although 53-year-old Susan Warren is now facing one year’s worth of probation for her crime, she has already achieved some degree of celebrity and media buzz. Ms. Warren has even signed on for a reality show with HGTV titled “Breaking and Vacuuming,” as well as a book deal with Random House for a memoir titled The Dark Knight of the Domestic World. The first page of the forthcoming book is printed below:
I know what you’re thinking. You think I’m some kind of loony; a hand sanitizer-loving weirdo with a penchant for fabric softener and Windex. Well, maybe I am. But it’s more complex than that, okay? Yes, breaking and entering is a crime. I realize that when I pry apart a screen, or pick a lock with the small nail file I always keep in my purse, or smash through a skylight, that yes, I’m entering into a person’s private home without their knowledge or consent, and that’s wrong.
But let me take a moment to explain my side of things. You see, people don’t value what is good, and right, and clean anymore. We live in a world without justice. Without honor. A world without mandatory hand sanitizer stations at subway stops. You see, we have descended into a world of chaos, and all that I want is to restore some order.
So, I went rogue – rogue cleaning, that is. I like to think of myself as the Dark Knight of the domestic world (DKDW, for short). I’ve gotta break a few rules sometimes – but it’s for the greater good. Can’t you see that? We live in a dirty, stinking, rot of a place, and someone’s got to clean it. Does that make me the “bad guy” sometimes? Yes. Will I continue to fight for a germ-free world, despite my probation sentence? Yes. Am I deeply inspired by Christopher Nolan’s 2008 movie The Dark Knight? Yes.
You see, someone has to clean the coffee cup you left out on your kitchen counter, with its sticky brown rings and its dank rotting milk lumping at the surface. Someone has to forcibly remove your garbage before the dumpster juices ferment into liquid methane. Someone has to clean your filthy swamp of a toilet.
And, that someone is me. Call me whatever you want – “The Rogue Cleaner,” “Domestic Dark Knight,” “The Cleaning Fairy” – they’re all one and the same. I’ve joined the cause of cleanliness, and I’ve realized that by doing so, I’m bigger than my name. I’m an idea. I’ve grown into a thought tugging in the back of your mind that gives you a moment of pause the next time you leave your bedroom without making your bed. You’re better than this mess. You’re better than this slobbery.
That’s right. You are better. We are better. And that’s why I’m here. I’m reminding you of that. Out of disorder, we can restore order together. Out of chaos, we CAN create organization.
And when all else fails, let there be bleach.
(Note: I do charge a small fee for my services, of course, usually about $75, you’ll see it on a stray napkin, along with my contact info – I don’t have Bruce Wayne’s cash flow to work with. Deal with it.)
Follow us on Twitter
Join our RSS feed
