When The Guardian, ABC News, Huffington Post, Business Insider, and dozens of other publications mistakenly published articles all stating that Saudi Arabia had plans to build a women-only city, they really got a lot of women’s hopes up. At least, that’s what Bill Koch, billionaire and twin brother of famed conservative David Koch, believes. Koch, who recently decided to also reconstruct an entire faux Wild West town in rural Colorado to “play cops and robbers,” decided that a women’s only city was a fantastic idea for a tourist destination, and began plans for building one in the US immediately. Because he knows absolutely nothing about women, he enlisted the help of the makers of Pinterest.com to design and manage the production of what has come to be known as “Lady-Land.” The following is an excerpt from its complimentary brochure:
Ladies, ladies, ladies!
Are you feeling tired? Underappreciated? A few pounds overweight? We bet you are. When is the last time you got your toes done, had lunch made for you, or enjoyed cunnilingus from your partner?
Too. Damn. Long. (Are we right?)
But what if there was a place where you could always relax, where no one cared about the stubble on your legs, and where Robert Pattison gives out complimentary foot rubs on Fridays?
Enter Lady-Land, a relaxing, stress-free, and entirely pink oasis that is strictly women only. Based on the concept of a Saudi Arabian city built to employ women in its otherwise extremely restrictive culture, Lady-Land offers much more than the ability to walk down a street that is cat-call free.
This city is designed with a woman in mind; from carpeted streets (we know how bricks and cobblestones suck to walk down in heels), to “small plate” style dining (we also know how much you love paying $15 for three pieces of calamari, just so you don’t feel like a pig), and a mini Effeil Tower (we even know that every woman secretly dreams of living in Paris. At least once. Don’t lie to us now!)
But this isn’t about just creating a sparkly haven where puppies and kittens and babies play openly in the streets, mind you.
Lady-Land is a safe, stress-free environment where you can enjoy just…being a gal! No rape is legitimate here, ladies. Plus, with the exception of the help, no men are allowed, so you don’t have to worry if they’ll try to take your right to choose away, either. And if it’s that time of the month, trust me, we get it. Ice cream and yoga pants for everyone!
We don’t give a fuck if the Augusta National Golf Club has let in two women for the first time ever: we have our own golf course here, and it comes with shirtless caddies and a complimentary bottle of Perrier Jouet. (Things always taste better when they’re fizzy, right?)
This is a place where Martha Stewart gives out cooking lessons. Where Tina Fey does stand up. Where you can throw back cocktails with Sarah Jessica Parker and Maureen Dowd and gossip with Hillary Clinton (if she ever gets off that damn blackberry, of course).
Want to see the latest unoriginal Katherine Heigal rom-com in theaters, but don’t want to be judged by your peers? Snuggle up with our complimentary cashmere throws in our 24-hour movie theater and watch them all until you feel like your brain starts to explode from all that estrogen! (But make sure you cry, even a little, because everyone needs a good cry every once in a while over absolutely nothing at all. We get it, girl.)
From free wedding dress try-on sessions, to group therapy with Oprah, to nude beaches (there are no creepy dudes watching, so who cares!), Lady-Land is truly the place to celebrate being a woman. You have tits, you can grow your hair out long without looking like a cheezy 80’s cover band, and you possess the power of LIFE. Beat that, boys’ clubs.