THE GABBLER

February 4th, 2013
PETA Takes on the Puppy Bowl

Yesterday, millions of Americans ordered some beer, wings, and pizza and sat down to enjoy the entertainment highlight of the year: Puppy Bowl IX. Unfortunately, not all Americans appreciate this spectacular annual event with the same passion. In fact, some adamantly oppose it. In the interest of understanding what type of person would hate on adorable footage of lovable puppies, The Gabbler sat down with a representative from People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA), who called the Puppy Bowl “torture.” As an undercover agent, looking to infiltrate Puppy Bowl X, she only agreed to speak to us on the condition of anonymity.

 

The Gabbler: Thanks so much for talking to me today. I know you’ve taken a big security risk by reaching out to the media.

PETA Rep: I mean, yeah, sure, there’s a risk, but risk is what I do, right? I mean, animals are DYING, man. Puppies are being forced to run around with chew toys and fall into water dishes in slow motion for our entertainment. It’s crazy the lengths of human cruelty.

TG: I assume you’re talking about the Puppy Bowl, Animal Planet’s annual programming on Super Bowl Sunday, showing puppies in a stadium running towards end zones with chew toys.

PETA: What else would I be talking about, man? It’s just another example of corporate America’s exploitation of animals for entertainment and profit. Did you know that Animal Planet’s even branding the torture dome that the puppies will be playing in? Its official name is “the Geico Puppy Bowl Stadium.” It makes me sick. What does affordable car insurance coverage even have to do with torturing puppies?

TG: I’ve got to say, I’ve seen the Puppy Bowl a few times now and it honestly doesn’t seem like there’s much torture going on. Mostly it’s just puppies doing what they do best—being adorable.

PETA: Adorable?! Do you think it’s adorable when a puppy falls face first into his water dish?!?!

TG: Well, yeah, to be honest that does sound pretty adorable. There’s this one YouTube video like that where—

PETA:  You are exactly what’s wrong with America. Would you think it was so adorable if I took your baby and threw her into the Atlantic Ocean? I doubt it. But somehow it’s ADORABLE if it’s a baby dog? What’s up with that?

TG: Well, first of all, I don’t have a baby. I mean, I know my holiday weight might resemble baby weight, but I assure you it’s all just from the mashed potatoes and stuffing. No babies here. Also, if you threw my non-existent baby into the ocean she would drown. The puppies just kind of splash around and shake off the water. And they show it in slow mo to get the maximum cuteness out of that situation!

PETA: That’s another thing that’s wrong with this whole Puppy Bowl. There’s this overly sexual element to this exploitation. Like you’re taking these puppies, which by the way are selected for their physical beauty, and then you show them slowly shaking glistening drops of water off of their taut, young bodies? They might as well be Pamela Anderson emerging from the ocean on Baywatch.

TG: Ummmm, they’re puppies. I don’t think people are really sexually attracted to puppies.

PETA: You’d be surprised.

TG: Anyway, that idea is a little strange, coming from a representative of an organization that produces videos like “The State of the Union Undress” which shows a young woman slowly undressing in front of Congress while talking about the problem of animal cruelty in America. Isn’t that more of a form of sexual exploitation than the Puppy Bowl?

PETA: Hey, she voluntarily took off her clothes. She needed to get some more footage in her portfolio before the good, less abusive porn companies would even consider hiring her. We did her a favor. Plus I think that video really shed some light on the issue of animal cruelty in a sexy way. I’m pretty sure that men are way more likely to pay attention to the words you’re saying if you’re naked. That’s what my boyfriend says, anyway.

TG: Okay, first of all, get a new boyfriend. Secondly, there was nothing sexy about that video. I mean sure, the woman in it was beautiful and naked by the end, but honestly? No offense and I’m sure he was a handsome man in his day, but there’s no bigger boner killer than a shot of a John McCain’s face in the middle of a striptease.

PETA: Well aren’t you the expert on campaigning against animal cruelty? But I think PETA’ll do just fine without your help. Who are you even? I bet you’re a meat eater. Do you know I’ve been vegan for the past ten years? Anyway, sex sells. Just think about all the people who went to our fake porn website before they realized it was just a video about factory farms narrated by Alec Baldwin. All of those new vegetarians! Brought over to the fold by sex!

TG: It’s way more likely that they just moved on to a different porn site. And then probably even ate some bacon afterwards, because masturbating really gets your appetite going, am I right?

PETA: I knew you were a meat eater!

TG: Didn’t the McDonalds bag in my trash tip you off? Aren’t undercover agents supposed to be a little bit more observant?

PETA: You know what? Better an unobservant vegan than an observant woman who feasts on the flesh of innocent animals.

TG: Ummm, okay. Anyway, back to the Puppy Bowl. I know you’re about to embark on an undercover mission to expose its exploitation. What do you hope to find?

PETA: What I hope to find is a world free from animal cruelty, where puppies aren’t exploited for entertainment purposes. What I expect to find is a program built on the sweat, blood and tears of innocent animals ripped from their mothers’ bosoms just so that non-football folk can have an alternative viewing option on Super Bowl Sunday.

TG: Do dogs even have bosoms?

PETA: It was a metaphor.

TG: Okay, but you know that these puppies all come from shelters, right? They were pulled from their mothers’ bosoms by some external force. And the whole idea is to get them adopted. In fact, most of them are already safe at home with new families by the time the program airs.

PETA: Well if they come from shelters then there’s no doubt that they were abused prior to production. Shelters are like hell on earth for dogs. It’s much better to give them the sweet salvation of death.

TG: Well, now that you bring it up, let’s talk about PETA’s view towards euthanasia. It’s reported that PETA euthanizes up to 85% of the animals it takes out of shelters. That’s a pretty high number for an organization supposedly against animal cruelty.

PETA: Well isn’t life better in the sweet embrace of death than it is living in a tiny cage? We liberate those animals from shelters that keep them in abusive, cramped conditions before gassing them and instead give them a quick shot. It’s a much more humane way to euthanize them.

TG: Okay, but don’t you guys also euthanize certain breeds just because? Like pit bulls. Isn’t that also cruel?

PETA: Cruel was breeding that vicious, no good dog in the first place.

TG: Actually, my friend has a pit bull mix and she’s just the sweetest, snuggliest, most loving little puppy in the whole wide worl—

PETA: THEY’RE VICIOUS, NO GOOD DOGS I TELL YOU.

TG: Moving on. So, let’s talk about the more controversial campaigns sponsored by PETA. Back in 2005 you did an art exhibit titled “Are Animals the New Slaves?” that showed images of African-American slaves alongside pictures of chained elephants. And pictures of lynched African-Americans alongside photos of cow carcasses. The NAACP eventually shut down the exhibit and a lot of people claimed that it was highly offensive, especially given that historically, racism has been built on the idea that African-Americans were animals rather than humans.

PETA: You know, it’s just like the blacks to try and take an important issue like animal cruelty and try to make it about themselves. You’d think that such a lazy people would be too busy drinking and having sex to focus on what PETA’s up to.

TG: WOAH, WOAH, WOAH. You can’t just say stuff like that. What is wrong with you?

PETA: Ummm, nothing. It’s true.

TG: It is NOT true. Not even a little bit. And it’s really racist and highly offensive.

PETA: I can’t be racist, I’m a vegan.

TG: I don’t think that’s how it works, actually.

PETA: Listen, I know your brain doesn’t get much oxygen, because your arteries are probably clogged with the fatty tissue of innocent, slaughtered animals, so you’re just going to have to trust me on this one.

TG: Listen, maybe my cholesterol isn’t great, but I’m still pretty good at spotting overt displays of racism, okay?

PETA: Whatever. I’m not going to let someone whose very existence ensures the torture and slaughter of hundreds of innocent animals every year act all morally superior to me. Are we done?

TG: Please, let’s be. Thanks for meeting with me and reinforcing the diet decisions I make every day.

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