As the New Year begins, millions of Americans have resolved to lose weight, whether it’s the five pounds gained over the holidays or the fifty pounds gained in the years since college graduation. To aid them in this pursuit, many have looked to commercial diet plans, such as Weight Watchers, Nutrisystem, or the Atkin’s Diet. In hopes to get to the bottom of what these diet plans are really about, The Gabbler interviewed one under the condition of anonymity. The results were shocking and, frankly, a little to bitchy for our tastes.
The Gabbler: It’s so great to meet with you today, diet plan. I understand you’ve only agreed to speak with me under the condition of complete anonymity. Why?
Diet Plan: Because I’m sick of all this bullshit. I’m normally forced by my handlers to seem so bright and sparkly and convenient and like I can help you become a size two while still eating deep fried ice cream brownie sundaes covered in ranch dressing and cheese. It just doesn’t fucking work like that, man. Also, are you sure you should be having that bag of peanut butter M&M’s? Your ass doesn’t exactly need it…
TG: It’s been a stressful week! And they’re the perfect combo of chocolate, candy coating and peanut butter! But anyway, your handlers? You have handlers?
DP: Tell your ass that. Because seriously, it’s like its own fucking continent. But of course I have handlers. They’re with me everywhere. To get to this interview, I had to lie and say I was going to a last minute photo shoot for our new ad campaign. Then when we got to what was the shoot location, I pretended to go the bathroom for a last minute purge. Climbed right out the window and down the fire escape. I knew those years of strict dieting would pay off. That window was tiny.
TG: Well we really appreciate you going to such extremes just for an interview. But why? Why go to such lengths?
DP: Because I need to get the truth out there. I mean, it’s disgusting. We prey on people’s bodily insecurities and force them to see weight loss and not a healthy lifestyle as the end goal. I mean, we pretend that a fat person’s best course of action is to just continue eating pizza and chocolate but while still losing weight. We sell these people a dream and then sacrifice their health to make it come true. Also, seriously what’s wrong with you? Put the candy down and back away slowly.
TG: I think I’m okay making my own food choices, thanks. But I’m assuming your product includes some exposure to fruits and vegetables, right? I mean it can’t be just all pizza and chocolate. And if it is, you HAVE to tell me off the record who you are, because those are like my two favorite foods.
DP: Calm down, there, chubbo. I mean, yeah, sure we get you to eat your fruits and veggies basically by starving you and telling you that’s all you can eat to get rid of the hunger pangs. You’re welcome. But my point is this: being healthy is way more important than being thin. But we sell you this glossy, ripped version of health and promise that you too can have an ass that looks that amazing in a form-fitting dress. But an amazing ass won’t save you from heart disease.
TG: Yeah, but heart disease is linked to weight, isn’t it? And your product helps people reach a healthy goal weight, doesn’t it?
DP: Are you both fat and an idiot? Seriously, I thought by going the blog route I would get someone with at least a brain in her fucking head, not just some bozo with a tape recorder and major muffin top. I mean, obviously people with healthy diets and good exercise regimens are more likely to be thin and less likely to suffer from heart disease. But scarfing down half an ounce of synthetic low fat cheese on a two inch square of wheat bread covered in low calorie, low sugar tomato sauce isn’t exactly the pinnacle of health. Especially if that counts as your dinner. But this is what people are doing to “get healthy.” It makes me sick. As sick as your stupid fucking face.
TG: Wait. Low calorie versions of food aren’t just automatically healthier for me? But they make you skinny. And skinny is healthy.
DP: Okay, I’m going to say this slowly because clearly the massive amount of fat on your thighs has traveled to your brain. Skinny is not healthy. Healthy is healthy. And more often than not (but not always), healthy is skinny.
TG: My thighs aren’t massive! They’re just womanly!
DP: Whatever you say, chubbo. I mean, listen, I’m not saying your body doesn’t have its upside. I’m sure some Renaissance painter would have just drooled over the prospect of painting your womanly cellulite.
TG: See? You’re preying on my body insecurities! You’re making me feel badly about myself because of my weight!
DP: Oh my God, I’m so sorry. I’ve just spent my whole life subliminally telling women that their bodies weren’t good enough. I mean, yours is fine. I’m sure some man would love to climb on top of that if he were drunk and desperate enough.
TG: Seriously?
DP: Okay, okay, I’m sorry. You’re right. But this is what I do. I subliminally break down your body image, mainly by showing you images of perfect female bodies. And then I promise you you can achieve a body just like that if you’ll just pay for my program. I say some inspirational catch phrases about sparkling and being amazing and I tell you that you won’t go hungry and it’s just so easy to fit into your daily lifestyle. And then I take all your money and you follow the program, are constantly hungry but finally reach a size two without even learning how to alter your lifestyle to maintain that weight. Or you get pissed off because you’re so hungry and then you quit and you stay fat. That’s what I do. Tah-dah!
TG: Well, that still doesn’t give you a right to be so pissy all the time, you know.
DP: I’m sorry. I really am. I’m just so fucking hungry. My stomach gets rumbly and then I get kind of dizzy and then I just can’t keep the bitchiness inside anymore. But maybe if you weren’t so fat and stupid and ugly I wouldn’t have any bitchiness to let out in the first place.
TG: Okay, well moving on. Are you sure you can’t just give me a hint about who you are? How about we do it this way: are you better or worse for my health than the Atkins diet?
DP: Sweetheart, if you laced those M&Ms with cocaine they’d probably be healthier for you than the Atkins diet. Mostly because the coke would keep you from stuffing your fat fucking face in the future. But seriously, the Atkins diet? That’s like the worst. I mean, I know I’m bad, but I’m not that bad.
TG: Um, okay. How about the cookie diet? You know where you get to spend all day eating cookies and then you get one meal?
DP: See this is what I’m talking about. How can people honestly believe that eating cookies instead of a meal is actually a healthy lifestyle choice? Are Americans secretly just a bunch of ugly drunk apes or something? Because that’s how dumb they are.
TG: So not the cookie diet, then. Okay. Noted. So maybe you’re more like Nutrisystem? I would love to have food with your sunshiney face delivered to my house every month…
DP: Listen fatass. Just because I’m starving doesn’t mean I’m too stupid to pick up the world’s worst sarcasm. But my face on a box would be a lot cuter than your jiggly upper arms are in that tank top, okay?
TG: Alright. Well we really don’t seem to be going anywhere with this, so maybe we’ll just wrap things up. Thanks for speaking with me today.
DP: No problem, chubbo. But can I have a small favor? Can I just smell your M&M bag? Not for too long, I don’t want to inhale the calories or anything. I just need a small hit.
TG: Sure. (Backs away slowly)
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